Are you REALLY a victim? There is no doubt that there are REAL victims. You may be the victim of a crime, the victim of a house fire, the victim of an injury, terrible accident or a devastating financial scam. If that is true for you, it may be helpful to find a good therapist to help you navigate all the feelings resulting from those tragedies. By venting the anger, fear and uncertainty that is sure to be the cocktail mix of emotions, you’ll be able, in time, to return to healthy emotional balance. Returning to a healthy balance allows you to deal with the fallout from that experience and move forward. This is process is called resiliency. This article is not about you.
Another Kind of Victim
The next kind of victim is a self-made or self-proclaimed victim. This victim makes victimhood a lifestyle…a chronic condition from which they refuse to recover.
Cause #1: Negative Self-Talk
“I always mess things up. I can’t do anything right. Please feel sorry for me because I’m an inferior human being.” These negative beliefs may have started in childhood with a hyper-critical parent. You may have adopted these beliefs because you’re afraid of failure. Thinking poorly of yourself is less risky than doing something that risks failure. You may need therapy, coaching, or a support group to help you discard unreasonable negative beliefs. These resources can also assist you in adopting more positive beliefs.
Cause #2: Blaming Others
Fairly often in my coaching practice I hear someone say, “I wouldn’t yell at her if she wouldn’t nag me.” Or, “I wouldn’t nag him if he would just do what he promised.” When I don’t buy any excuse for disrespectful behavior, I get, “But isn’t she at least 50% responsible?” or “Isn’t it his fault for being irresponsible?” No. Every adult is 100% responsible for their own behavior. The moment you claim that your disrespectful (or illegal) behavior is even 10% someone else’s fault, you are stepping into the role of a victim.
Your partner does something that triggers your anger. In that moment you have a choice. You may react by withdrawing in cold silence. Or, calling him a dirty slob. Or, you turn around and snap at your child. If you choose to react by counter attacking or taking your anger out on another, you are stating by your actions, “My poor reaction is the other person’s fault because he/she triggered me.” By blaming the other for your poor reaction to being triggered, you become the victim of another’s behavior.
The other choice to being triggered is to pause until you can respond with respect. This is assuming full responsibility for your own behavior, 24/7…no excuses…no blame. By taking responsibility for yourself, you remain fully in charge of yourself. You are autonimous…an individual who is not at the mercy of another’s behavior, no matter how much you get triggered.
BLAME is RELATIONSHIP CANCER!
Blaming your partner or your child or anyone else for your own poor choices introduces a venomous poison into the relationship similar to what cancer does to a physical body. By blaming, you are basically saying “I’m not in charge of myself. You can’t blame me for my choices.” If it’s someone else’s fault that I lie, react with violence, call someone vicious names, or choose any behavior which hurts, abuses or discourages another, I am choosing to be their victim!
The Cure
The only cure for the cancer of blame in a relationship is for you to assume full responsibility for every choice…every behavior, no matter what your wife, your child or your dog does to trigger you. Is it hard? Yes! We human beings seem to be born with the knee jerk reaction to pass the buck when someone triggers our poor choices. It’s a childish behavior that needs to be left behind along with potty training and grabbing another child’s toy. Just like owning your own car give you a heady sense of freedom, to take on the adult, mature role of of deciding the kind of person you are, independent of another’s behavior is so liberating.
Some respectul, responsible ways of responding when triggered are: 1) pausing to give yourself a moment to remind yourself you’re an adult; 2) announcing you need a time out to calm yourself before responding; 3) using the Listening to Understand skill to repeat back to the “offender” your understanding of their emotion; 4) doing a Perception Check to see if you misunderstood. These practical, adult, simple skills are taught in Modules Two, Three, Four, and Five of Millionaire Marriage Club.
You have my love and support,
