I spent a good many years resenting my parents. They weren’t all bad. They had good character qualities. And they were people of deep faith. However, they didn’t give me love in the way that I believed I needed it. They weren’t very affectionate or nurturing. I didn’t hear the word, “I love you” until pretty late in their lives. I never heard words of encouragement or praise for a good grade or a job well done. They were not “The Perfect Parents”.
In my thirties, while single parenting two boys, I began to have more compassion for what a tough job it is to be a good parent. Am I giving what my boys need? Do they know how much I love them? Do they need something that I can’t see and don’t know how to give them? Will they consider me hurtful the way I’ve judged my parents as hurtful?
I began consciously working at noticing what I had to appreciate in their parenting and forgiving them for what I judged as “wrong.” Meanwhile, the pain I’d experienced made me read parenting books and do my best to be a “better” parent than mine.
A “Bad” Experience
A few more years went by. I married Jim Landrum and we began to experience a great deal of conflict in our marriage. What I observed in my parents planted a very deep desire to have a more loving marriage than my parents. Yet, here I was, acting just as disrespectful to Jim as I judged in my parents’ relationship.
What was different in me, however, was the dream…the passion…of experiencing a happier, more peaceful marriage. That dream would not leave me alone. I believed that God created an orderly universe. There are natural laws that are predictable. I ignore laws such as gravity at my peril! I frequently prayed asking God to reveal to me the relationship laws that, if I obeyed them, would give me the happy, loving marriage I’d craved since childhood.
A Prayer Answered
Eventually, we found, learned and began to consistently practice relationship guidelines…laws if you will…that delivered the lasting, loving and peaceful marriage that I’d deeply desired since childhood. (These skills are found in my books and online courses.)
A Wild Thought
From the perspective of decades, I’ve begun to re-evaluate my childhood experience of “bad” parenting. What if I was born to the two persons perfect for launching me on my lifetime journey of understanding healthy relationships? What could have created such a passionate desire for a loving marriage more than experiencing the pain of parents who treated each other with disrespect? Is it possible that there was no mistake? What if I was meant to feel neglected and unloved and sorrowful to send me on the path I was destined to pursue from before birth?
Expanding This Possibility
Could it be that every disappointment, every mistake I’ve judged myself as making, every choice or behavior I regret, was meant to motivate me to move forward…to grow…to learn…dare I say to “evolve in consciousness?”
Certainly, I’ve done many things that required a sincere apology to someone I love. I’ve needed to forgive myself to be free from self-destructive judgments. New behaviors have been adopted that have given me better results in many areas of my life.
What if the things I currently experience as “bad” or “struggles” are not bad at all, but are designed to help me move into healthier living?
But What About Death, Divorce, Bankruptcy, etc?
I’ve experienced the death of two husbands I loved, and a beloved son. I’ve been through seasons of extreme financial stress. I wouldn’t wish those events on anyone. And yet, each of those “tragedies” promoted growth in me that I would never have otherwise had. Each brought different chunks of wisdom that have benefited me and my loved ones. Because of my particular passion for writing and coachig, my wisdom has helped hundreds…maybe thousands of others.
So from this perspective were these things bad? Maybe not. Certainly painful…even excruciating for a season.
What If…
I believe we come into this Earth-School with a prescribed agenda of lessons we are meant to learn. So, what if I had the perfect parents to direct the course of my life as it was intended to be? Perhaps every painful lesson or loss was ultimately meant for my good. This is the only belief that allows for a Loving God, or Loving Universe. Everything must be meant for my good. No exceptions. That’s the only belief that allows me to trust in a Divine Being who is cheering for me and loving me.
Saint Paul, who was guilty of multiple murders, dramatically changed his ways, and then endured unjust imprisonment, torture and death said, “In EVERYTHING give thanks for this is the will of God.” Believing that ultimately EVERYTHING is for my good is the only way I can be thankful for the things that hurt or anger, confuse or disappoint me.
Just some food for thought…
Note: if my parents were still on this earth, I would not write about them critically. I also learned many valuable lessons from their goodness!
You have my love and support,
