I began sewing as a child making doll clothes. I graduated to human clothing, slip covers, curtains…whatever I needed for myself, my sons and my home. Quilting, however, began as a Pandemic Survival Skill. So far I’ve made thirty-something quilts. Some were made for my family or friends, and many were donated to Quilts of Valor, an organization that presents them to military personnel who have been affected by war. But what do quilting and marriage have in common?
Because my real passion is helping marriages succeed as a Relationship Coach, I can’t help but see parallels in the qualities needed to create a great marriage and create a beautiful quilt.
The Dream
Choosing the colors and fabrics is fun, just as planning a wedding is exciting. Cutting out the pieces of the pattern is tedious, but I’m only thinking about a beautiful finished quilt. I’ve done a lot of sewing. I can do this!
I see a pattern. It looks interesting to me. I imagine how it will look when I complete it. I think about how it will bring pleasure to someone I love or admire. Sometimes I look at other patterns. I peruse them…imagine using that pattern. Finally, I decide on the one I want to make. I buy the pattern.
I wasn’t sure about Jim (my late husband) when I first met him. It took several dates before I began to see what life with him might be like. Gradually I knew I loved him. I committed to marriage with him ’til death do us part. Deciding on the details of our life together was exhilarating. We were adults. We’d each been through a lot and thought we were mature enough to handle anything.
The Process
The pattern my son chose for his quilt was challenging. There were hundreds of tiny pieces that went together in ways that were confusing. I made many mistakes that had to be ripped out and redone before I got it right. And, it was king-sized…huge! I had to organize the fabrics, the cuts, and the finished blocks so that I could see what was finished and what was left to complete. (Each square piece of a quilt is a block.)
Jim and I had our first of many spats the day we returned from our honeymoon. Over and over again we would disagree, fight, apologize and renew our love for each other. But, it was hard. Tedious. Tiresome. Did we make a mistake? Did I marry the wrong man?
Some patterns are more challenging than others. Some quilts are easy. But, I’ve made multiple mistakes on other quilts! Ripping and redoing seams is exasperating. Won’t I ever get this right? Why do I keep making the same mistake over and over again? Sometimes I wanted to throw it away. I’ve learned that this is the time to put it aside for a while. Come back when I’m rested and fresh.
I learned to take a timeout when I was so angry with Jim that I couldn’t speak respectfully. Take a break. Write in my journal. Pull some weeds. Get some sleep. Come back to the issue when I was capable of discussing it with respect. Over time we learned that respect is the fertilizer that nurtures those loving feelings. If we wanted a loving, lasting marriage, we had to learn how to maintain respect 24/7.
Managing Hundreds of Pieces
To finish a quilt that is warm, colorful and useful requires fitting together hundreds of small pieces that work together to form the whole. It takes patience and commitment to a finished, beautiful quilt.
Creating a marriage that is warm, affectionate, respectful and lasting, also requires hundreds…even thousands…of small acts of kindness, occasional sacrifices, multiple apologies, fun dates, affectionate gestures, enriching lovemaking, and tenacity. I love the word “tenacity.” It conveys the quality of staying-power. Refusing to quit. Commitment to finding solutions that work. Asking for help when it’s needed. Willingness to walk through a tough time or difficult issue until a resolution is found.
Learning
To make successful quilts, I had to learn many things. Cut off the selvages. (Edges of the woven fabrics.) When washed, they shrink at a different rate than the body of the fabric. I learned to sew consistent quarter-inch seams. Being inconsistent with individual seams results in finished quilt measurements that are lop-sided.
In my marriage, I learned that sarcastic put-downs never helped resolve an issue. Sarcasm, yelling, and anger expressed disrespectfully would always, without fail, escalate the fight. Feelings once hurt and issues unresolved, ate away at our love for each other. Eventually, I learned healthier ways of managing my emotions. I learned to listen to understand my partner. Taking turns to talk about our respective points of view works better than insisting only that he agrees with me! I exchanged limiting beliefs for beliefs that allowed for workable solutions.
The Finished Product
There must be millions of quilt patterns, and yet the skills required to make quilts that will last for decades are the same. There are an infinite number of marriages, yet the skills needed to make an enduring, loving marriage are the same for everyone.
The suffering of our frequent fights eventually led to finding the help we needed. We learned the skills essential to create a healthy, loving, lasting marriage. Once we learned and implemented those skills, we had seventeen more years together without a harsh word between us. Together we navigated financial and family challenges with consistent respect. We taught other couples the skills we’d learned and spoke at marriage events and support groups. Then, we found our way through the confusing maze of options when Jim was diagnosed with terminal cancer.
The skills we learned and that have created happy marriages for thousands of couples are shared in How to Stay Married & Love It! Solving the Puzzle of a SoulMate Marriage and also taught in the online course, Millionaire Marriage Club. I highly recommend both of these for your marriage…and recommend quilting as a creative way to manage life’s challenges!
You have my love and support,
