When couples have a child, it’s essential to agree on parenting decisions. One of the most important sources of a child’s security is knowing that Mom and Dad are united in the policies concerning that child. When a child is able to “play” one parent against the other, it creates a rift between Mom and Dad. It also creates a crack in that child’s security.
The Problem
One of several issues that emotionally separated one couple was their lack of partnership in parenting their only son. Mom didn’t always approve of Dad’s method of “discipline.” He wasn’t violent or unreasonable…just more harsh than Mom liked. She protected her only son by choosing his side against Dad.
He is a good kid. Good grades. Mostly good attitude. But both parents were aware that he frequently got his way by wearing them down. Both Mom and Dad were concerned that he wasn’t learning some life skills that would be helpful to him as an adult.
Reading and talking about Pungent Boundaries became their assignment for the next two weeks. I wasn’t sure how they would respond to this book about setting and enforcing appropriate boundaries.
“You don’t have my back anymore!”
They grasped the principles in Pungent Boundaries as the lifeline they needed. They realized how their permissiveness, (allowing their son to dictate what he would and wouldn’t do) was preventing him from learning some skills that would make adult life easier for him. In the past, Mom would take the son’s side against Dad. Now, she was now pausing to confer with Dad to be sure they agreed. The son immediately noticed the shift in the power dynamics between the three of them. He complained to Mom, “Ever since you started seeing Nancy, you don’t have my back anymore!”
A balance of power in the family is the way it is meant to be for the greatest relationship between Mom and Dad, AND the healthiest relationship between Mom, Dad and child. Mom’s energy is typically more nurturing. Dad’s energy is typically more firm. Children need both energies, but also need to know that Mom and Dad are a united front that can’t be moved by begging, pleading, and guilt-producing manipulations.
Every child needs nurturing Mom-energy. Every child also needs the brick wall firmness that is typically from Dad. The two energies united in supporting each other, and together supporting the growth of their child, benefits all.
House Rules
The next assignment was to decide on a few rules with appropriate consequences that Mom and Dad both considered important for their son’s transition into adulthood. He is only a few years away from independence.
They decided that he needs to do his own laundry. In a simple lesson, Mom will teach him how. After that lesson, it will be up to him to provide his own clean clothes. The consequence? If he doesn’t do his laundry he will wear dirty clothes. No reminding. No lecturing. No pity. No drama. Just a simple consequence.
In the past, if Mom didn’t prepare his meal, he wouldn’t eat. This is emotional blackmail to force Mom to fixing a meal for him. I asked, “Is he in danger of starving to death?” They laughed and said, “NO!” They decided that hunger is a natural consequence of refusing to fix a sandwich for himself.
They are considering requiring him to prepare one dinner a week for the family. Mom will give him the recipes for a few simple meals. If dinner isn’t on the table by 6 p.m., his phone (his lifeline) will be taken away. Having responsibility for the family meal once per week also includes knowing if the required ingredients are on hand. Planning ahead is an adult skill that is useful in many areas! If the ingredients aren’t on hand, he may need to run to the store. Dinner might not be on the table until 8 or 9 pm, but his phone is only returned when dinner is on the table.
Simple Consequences vs. Lecturing and Shaming
We all learn life lessons by experiencing uncomfortable consequences. The only thing learned by constant reminding, lectures or shaming is resentment! These two conscientious, loving parents are agreeing on reasonable rules with uncomfortable consequences. They will enforce these rules without the drama of lectures or giving in to guilt-inducing complaining. Their child will learn these skills when they stand firm, together. There will probably be temporary anger from their son who has lost inappropriate control in this family system.
All three of them will benefit from this power readjustment. Mom and Dad will gain confidence in their ability to be parenting partners, rather than adversaries. Their love will grow as they work together for the good of their son. The son will probably try every childish tactic to get the power dynamics “back to normal.” When his machinations don’t work, he’ll grumble but eventually gain confidence in his ability to take care of himself.
In a few years, he may marry. Hopefully, he won’t treat his wife like a mother who is expected to do everything for him. Perhaps he’ll win his wife’s heart when he prepares a meal, or shares responsibility for the family laundry.
Want to be Parenting Partners?
If you are suffering the pain of not being parenting partners, you may benefit from reading Pungent Boundaries. Understand that your power struggle is hurting your child. House Rules and consequences enforced for the good of the child also benefits the marriage! If you’d like directions for setting up House Rules, email me with “house rules” in the subject line from my Contact Form This newsletter is about a teenager. But, age appropriate House Rules will bring peace between parents and children of any age.
You have my love and support,
