The problem with beliefs is that they dictate the quality of our relationship experience from the foggy corners of our unconscious. That’s OK if the belief is positive…like, ” I am deserving of a great relationship,” or, “We will learn and grow together as long as we live.”
Negative Beliefs May Override Great Communication Skills
But when the beliefs are negative they wreak their havoc leaving us bewildered… “Why does my son resent me so? We just aren’t compatible! Marriage shouldn’t be this hard! Why don’t I feel loved?”
I whole heartedly believe in the necessity of using good communication skills! Most of my efforts in writing and teaching have been directed toward supporting others in learning and applying effective skills in their relationships.
I’ve had the experience of watching a couple learn the skills, and even experience the healing transformation of using good communication skills! And yet then slide back into their previous misery or even deliberately choose to go back to treating each other poorly. What was at work here? Is it just that she enjoys conflict? Or that he’s lazy about applying the new skills he learned? Unconscious beliefs trump conscious desires.
Explore Core Beliefs
I’ve come to recognize another culprit lurking in the underbelly of the relationship… limiting beliefs. If I believe that I don’t deserve a loving relationship, I’ll sabotage every step toward feeling loved. If I believe that nothing we do will work…we’re doomed to the endless cycle of frustration and conflict. With those beliefs, I may view the temporary success following the learning of new communication tools as a weird anomaly. I don’t see the success as the foundation for happiness that it is for many. If I believe that fighting leads to great reconciliation sex, it would follow that I’m unwilling to find more functional ways to resolve conflict in order to keep our sex life passionate! If I believe he’s deliberately trying to hurt me, or she just doesn’t love me, I may sabotage any efforts to learn and practice better communication.
For Some, Success Eliminates Limiting Beliefs
Fortunately, most couples who attend a good communication skills program experience such profound breakthroughs in their relationship, that they leave their hopeless beliefs behind in light of this new evidence of how to love each other better. For most, learning how to deepen emotional intimacy and find solutions that meet each person’s needs creates the belief I’ve heard expressed in many classes and coaching sessions, “Now we can do this! Before we just didn’t know how!”
But if he is unwilling to find and exchange negative beliefs for beliefs that support a happier relationship, he will reject any evidence that does not support his old belief. She will not be able to see the value of using the skills she’s learned.
Beliefs Are Not Written in Stone
As a culture, we tend to see beliefs as solid, firm, unchangeable…the Truth. When, in fact, beliefs are fluid. They are chosen based on our interpretation of previous experiences. An old belief can be exchanged for a new one when we have new evidence. For instance, the world eventually believed that the Earth is round after Columbus proved it by his epic journey. Or a new belief can be consciously chosen and reinforced when I realize that my old belief is polluting my life with it’s fall-out. Or, I can cling to an old belief in the face of overwhelming evidence that it no longer applies!
Millionaire Marriage Club Includes a Module About Beliefs
We either consciously or unconsciously choose our beliefs. Each belief delivers us to a particular destination which we either enjoy or dislike. These are the reasons why I felt compelled to include a module about beliefs in Millionaire Marriage Club and the Stepping TwoGether Edition. Beliefs will either ruin our chances of a great relationship or open the door to the loving relationships we crave. One potential client said, (belief) “I shouldn’t have to teach him how to be a good husband!” She is planning to divorce him, hoping to find a man who already knows what she expects in a husband. Good luck!
Resentment and Blame May Be Clues
I once realized that the reason I was resentful of another’s behavior was because I believed that he should change, not me. The way he was acting was wrong, bad, unacceptable. (See the blame?) I finally accepted that he wasn’t going to change. so if I wanted my resentment to go away, I would have to change. That change in beliefs led to some very healthy boundary setting on my part. Problem solved.
My book, Pungent Boundaries may help you identify beliefs that pollute your life with resentment. Your Inner Child: A Path to Healing and Freedom tells how to change beliefs in order to give yourself happier relationships and life. Don’t allow unconscious beliefs to trump your conscious desires!
You have my love and support,
P.S. Don’t forget the Limited Time Offer for Millionaire Marriage Club and Stepping TwoGether Editions for only $29/month including a 7 day free trial!