I recently heard a definition of addiction as any habit that doesn’t support healthy bodies or relationships. Granted, some behaviors/habits are more destructive than others. But the definition is so broad that it includes all of us in one way or another. In effect, we are all addicts!
In saving my marriage to Jim, I had to look at my habit of communication with sarcastic put-downs, unwanted advice and caustic criticisms. All of which created emotional distance and resentment between us. It was like learning a new language to say “I feel hurt…” rather than “You hurt me!” And, “My opinion is…” rather than “You should…” Listening with the intention to understand Jim’s point of view opened up a whole new world. It only took about three months of intense focus to make these new ways of speaking my new habits.
Choosing Respect
As a result, my opinions and feelings were easier for Jim to hear because they were delivered with respectful, non-attacking language. I was fortunate that he was also developing better ways of speaking and listening. We soon enjoyed the peaceful, loving marriage we both wanted! It was worth the effort!
My elder son, Steven, had to look at his habits of relieving anxiety and anger by drinking and drugs. His use of cocaine, speed and other things caused his heart to enlarge to the point that it couldn’t keep his body going. Near the end of his life, he decided he could only die with self-respect if he cut these destructive habits out of his life…cold turkey.
He did it!
Just Do It!
And “cold-turkey” is the best way to change a bad habit. You do it one moment of impulse at a time. When I wanted to react badly to Jim, I had to exchange the old words/attitudes for a new set of words with a better attitude. By doing it over and over again, we formed new habits that produced the kindness, respect, and deepening love we both craved.
Every time someone addicted to drugs, or alcohol or obsessive anxiety, computer games or food as a response to a trigger like anger, anxiety, sadness or loneliness, must choose a new response that results in a healthier body, mind and relationship.
Doctors diagnosed me as diabetic several years ago. In this case I didn’t try to change all eating habits at once. Gradually, however, I limited starchy foods and sugar. In the past year more changes have resulted in lowering my A1C to the point that I’m no longer considered diabetic. Like my son, I decided that I want to die clean…in my case, free from the ravishes that accompany long-term diabetes.
Exchanging a bad habit for a healthier one isn’t easy, but it is SO doable!
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You have my love & support,
