How Do Marriage Distortions Block Healthy Marriages?
The first damaging distortion of how marriage distortions block healthy marriages may have its origins in fairy tales. Cinderella wins the heart of the Prince, he pursues her, marries her and they live happily ever after. Snow White is awakened from the witch’s curse by a magic kiss. A knight in shining armor will rescue me from all that I hate about my life, then I’ll finally be happy, loved, and fulfilled…forever.
Wedding Prep vs. Marriage Prep
I used to officiate at about 20-30 weddings per year. My late husband did way more than that. We were often amazed at the tens of thousands of dollars spent on weddings. A wedding party is acknowledgment of an important life commitment and deserves to be celebrated. But what, if any, preparation has gone into the marriage?
I recently interviewed marriage therapist Taylor Anderson. She would love to inspire a movement that normalizes premarital counseling! She uses assessment tools that help a couple see their unique strengths and areas where growth is needed. This helps them anticipate potential problem areas and gives them tools to navigate through those issues successfully.
Mark Verber, another gifted marital counselor, says, “I wish couples understood that getting married is a lot like giving birth to a baby. Parenting only begins with the birth of a baby! The experience is amazing beyond words, but also incredibly challenging. Yet, you don’t have a baby and expect the infant to take care of itself! Marriage is no different- there are growth spurts and growing pains. The wedding is just the beginning! A realistic expectation is that marriage is a living entity just as fragile as a newborn. It needs frequent attention, personal growth, and specialized skills!”
Expectant couples think nothing of enlisting the help of a birthing or nursing coach. It’s time to embrace the experience and skills of a marriage educator!
Seeking Help
Both of these therapists, (and many, many others in our field) wish that marriage education was the norm. As it is now, there is such a stigma against asking for help for your marriage that many couples are reluctant to seek help. Our culture tends to reward the “rugged individualist.” From early childhood, we are rewarded for being independent…getting good at a new skill… while admitting, “I need help” is disparaged as a weakness.
When it comes to getting into shape, we hire a trainer. If you need a new skill to earn better pay, you take a class. When the pipes spring a major leak, we call a plumber. But, when there are issues that are damaging the quality of our marriage, we hide, pretend, or keep beating our heads against the wall of, “We should be able to figure this out on our own.”
Another Distortion
Our country has the highest rate of broken marriages in the world! Consequently, in the past several decades cynicism about the ability to have a happy, lasting marriage has grown like metastatic cancer. More and more young people are engaging in multiple “trial” relationships that damage their ability to completely commit to one partner for life. The fear of commitment can be compared to the pandemic we recently experienced. When one has been “infected” by the trauma of unhappy, fighting parents, or experienced the upheaval of divorcing parents, you hesitate to take the marriage path, fearing the outcome is only more pain! This is another way marriage distortions block healthy marriages.
Since no-fault divorce laws were enacted in all states, starting with California in 1969, the assumption made by many unhappily married couples is that they only have two options: Remain unhappy or divorce. In history, there have been few effective options for unhappy couples. THAT IS NO LONGER TRUE! Multiple research outcomes have identified the concepts and skills that create and sustain a happy marriage. AND, those traits that are present in happy, lasting marriages are so simple that we can all learn them!
Both Distortions Block Healthy Choices
To live in a dream world of unrealistic expectations is a big set-up for disappointment. Most disappointments lead to blaming your partner. “He’s not meeting my needs.” “She’s changed. She’s not the woman I thought I was getting.” Blame is the easy way out. The disappointments that raise their ugly heads after a dream wedding, are actually great opportunities to ask for help from a therapist, coach, marriage expert who can help you learn the art of nurturing a great marriage!
To believe that the fault is in the institution of marriage itself, that marriage is an outdated concept that needs to be discarded, is to ignore the mountains of research that prove that marriage…a healthy, loving marriage…is the best place for adults to be happy and children to thrive.
HOPE!
One couple recently embarked on a journey to learn how to love each other without fighting. After just a few weeks, their six-year-old son said to them, “You guys are doing really good! You hardly ever fight anymore!” That boy will grow up with a hopeful attitude about his own ability to have a happy marriage.
Another couple, on their third marriage each, surrendered to their need for help. Soon after learning a few simple communication and anger management skills plus making a change often needed by stepfamilies, she wrote this to me, “It’s like a magic pill has been dropped into our home. We are laughing again. Our kids are seeing a healthy marriage for the first time in their lives.”
Another couple who courageously asked for help after years of fighting, reported they’d had a better two weeks than they’d experienced in years. AND, the wife realized she was assuming her husband had the same limited love and support that had been true throughout her childhood. She had been negatively interpreting all of his behavior through that tinted lens. She’s updating that belief to, “My husband loves me and is supporting me by participating in our marriage counseling.”
Change the Trajectory of Your Marriage
If you’re feeling disappointed, unhappy, hopeless and blaming your partner, reach out for help today. It’s not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign that you’re facing reality. If you could fix the problem in your marriage, you would have done so already. What you’ve been doing isn’t working! Ask friends if they can recommend a good therapist or marriage coach. Book a trial appointment. Not every therapist or counselor is equipped to help couples. Ask pointed questions. “Are you happy with your marriage? What experience do you have working with couples? If we decide to work with you, what will be your plan?” If there’s any hesitancy in answering these questions, I’d move on.
I’d be happy to discuss this with you in a complimentary consultation. Book one HERE
You have my love and support,
