The Surgeon General’s Report
Recently the Surgeon General announced his research outcome. BIG NEWS! Parents measure the highest levels of anxiety of any other adult group tested.
I felt like saying, “Duh!” Nearly any parent in our culture would laugh that it took a survey to reach that conclusion!
But Seriously…
Let’s look at some of the reasons for parents’ high anxiety levels:
Two full-time working adults head most families. The days of a stay-at-home parent who oversees childcare, cooking and cleaning have become distant concepts only seen in old 50’s TV shows. You come home from your job to all the tasks that used to be taken care of by Mom. PLUS, overseeing homework, attending your child’s school or sports activities, and trying to maintain a healthy, happy connection with your partner. It’s as though each adult in the household has three full-time jobs.
In addition, many adults now head a step-family. Step-family dynamics are the most challenging and stress-producing type of whole-family construction. And, most heads of stepfamilies have no idea of the specific strategies that would lighten their load according to multiple stepfamily research outcomes. (You can read about those strategies in Stepping TwoGether: Building a Strong Stepfamily.)
Maintaining a Healthy Marriage
Marriage is a living entity that requires maintenance to keep it healthy and happy. That means a regular date night, the expression of regular appreciation to each other, respectful communication methods, healthy ways to handle anger, (because, as you well know, anger happens in the best of marriages.) All of this takes some dedicated, regular time. I recently interviewed several couples who run a business together and maintain a happy marriage. They call the time their marriage requires “non-negotiable.” They’re very clear that if the marriage is in trouble, so is the family and the business.
Parenting Policies, Decisions…Questions
In addition to maintaining a healthy marriage, you also are called upon to maintain emotional connection with each child. What’s going on in that one’s head? What is bothering this one? Do they feel free to confide in us? What kind of lessons will help them prepare for adulthood? Are they learning things from our example that will help them? It’s no wonder parents have anxiety!
Old-fashioned discipline called for corporal punishment if a child disobeyed or was caught being naughty. That’s no longer in Vogue. Perhaps corporal punishment, in some cases, was abussive. But parental discipline seems, overall, to have swung to the other extreme. Too lenient is just as dysfunctional and harmful to a child’s psyche as too strict. Too many parents feel controlled by their children…disempowered with indecision… rather than feeling comfortable with age-appropriate levels of control of their children. Consequently, their homes feel chaotic…places where battles are constant…not a place of serenity and renewal. Children out of control are not happy children. The defiance and chaos is not limited to home-life, but is infecting our classrooms. Many teachers tell me, “I spend more time trying to maintain order than teaching. It’s taken the joy out of what I used to love doing.”
A functional parenting technique was never offered to replace corporal punishment. And, besides, who wants obedience created by fear of pain?! Are you yelling, repeating yourself ad nauseam, lecturing and still drained of energy and joy because those methods are not bringing order to your home? That’s because those methods don’t work! You may be asking, “Then, what DOES work? Tell me! I’m desperate!” There must be help for parents with anxiety!
Boundaries with Certain Consequences
Years ago when unproven theories about children were being tried, a large school in England decided the fence that surrounded their property was “too confining. Children need more freedom to express themselves.” So, they removed the fence with a surprising result. The children bunched up around the buildings to play, ignoring all the space in the yard. It turns out the fence gave them a sense of safety so they felt free to enjoy all the space.
The same is true in your home. I’ve shared an exercise called House Rules with many of my clients who were drained by trying to control their children with yelling, lectures and repeated commands. Those who have implemented House Rules are amazed at the results. Children become more compliant when the rules are clear and the consequences of breaking a rule are reasonable, immediate and consistent. NO DRAMA. The yelling stops. No worthless repetitions. If this sounds like something you can use, email me with “HOUSE RULES” in the subject line and I’ll send you the instructions!
Warning, disciplining yourself to set up and administer House Rules is the hardest part!
Practice Non-judgmental Listening with Your Children
The stronger your emotional connection is with your child…the safer they feel with you…the less problems you will have with misbehavior. There are two ways to deepen a healthy emotional connection. One, spend some time with your child doing something that particular child loves. One mother, frustrated by the length of time her son spent on video games, and unsuccessful when telling him to stop and come to dinner, asked him to teach her how to play. Ten minutes of playing with him, produced easier compliance when it was time for him to stop.
The second way to create a safe connection is by practicing nonjudgmental listening. Listen. Repeat back what you hear without any attitude. Don’t give advice. You can say, “If you want my advice, ask me for it. Otherwise, I think you’re smart enough to do what’s best for yourself.” I’ll send you a video testimonial of a mother who practices this with amazing results. Email me with Listening in the subject line.
Single-Parent Households
Most single parents have jobs or professions in addition to little or no help with household and parenting responsibilities. If you are grieving the loss of a partner or a divorce plus navigating child-custody issues, I can’t fathom how you manage. I have nothing but compassion for the loads you are carrying. In addition to things like House Rules that can give you some relief from stressful parenting, I hope you deliberately set aside time to nurture yourself. You can’t give all your energy away without doing things that replenish it. If that’s your MO, you’ll burn out, be depressed, get seriously ill or take out your resentment on your kids.
A Summary of Support for Parents with Anxiety
Get support for your marriage. Without a happy, loving marriage, everything else is harder or impossible.
Get support for your parenting. HOUSE RULES and Non-Judgmental Listening are great places to start. If, unfortunately, you are dealing with the enormous challenge of parenting a teen who is mis-using drugs or alcohol, great support can be found at Al-Anon Meetings. In addition, Brenda Zane at HopestreamCommunity.org offers practical strategies and amazing support. I hope you will take advantage of this help for parents’ anxiety.
Don’t forget to make activities that refill your cup a non-negotiable priority.
You certainly have my love and support!
