My son was terminally ill. I was told he could die any day. Maybe you’ve had the experience of watching someone you love lose their health…their body gradually failing. It was a challenge to get through every day without being consumed with worry and insecurity.
Will he die today? If he oversleeps, should I check on him to see if he died in his sleep? If I leave to run an errand, will he die while I’m gone? Will he die alone? I prayed over and over again that I be allowed to be with him when he died. But life, and errands, and at the time, the beginning year of my Masters Degree program continued to divide my attention. Besides, it was unrealistic to think I should follow him around every day waiting for him to die! That would have driven both of us crazy!
A Powerful Guided Meditation
One day in my class, we were led by a guided meditation. What I experienced was finding a partially buried treasure chest in the sand as I walked on the beach. I dug the chest out of the sand and opened the lid. The treasure inside was Peace. God told me clearly that He had Peace for me, but in order to experience Peace, I had to give God my trust. It was a gift exchange. Trust for Peace. Our class assignment was to create an affirmation for the year based on whatever we experienced during the guided meditation.
During those days, Peace seemed an impossible state to experience. But I longed for Peace in the midst of an unbearable circumstance. How could I enjoy Peace while my son was dying? The affirmation I formed over the next couple of weeks was, “I am walking in Peace as I’m trusting the Path to Unfold.” Not just MY path. But my son’s path, as well. Some days, I must have repeated that affirmation a hundred times. I required almost constant reminders that Peace was possible in the middle of watching my son’s health fail.
From October to May 22nd
Over the next few months, I had many moments of extreme anxiety. I also had moments of miraculous Peace as I trusted God to see me through and trusted God to give Steve whatever he needed to face his own death. I had no power to know what Steve needed other than my love. I trusted that God would meet Steve with whatever grace he needed as death grew near.
Steve and I had important conversations during those few months. He shared that he knew God loved him and he had no fear of death. In January, he decided the only way he could die with self-respect was to die clean from drugs. Although it was too late to save his life, he earned his own self-respect by quitting all drug and alcohol use, cold turkey. He spent the next several weeks doing whatever he could to make amends to those he’d hurt. We exchanged a lot of hugs.
On May 22nd I returned home from an errand to find Steve’s soul had left his body. His suffering was over. For the next several hours it felt like the house was full of angels…angels that God promised me had come to usher him Home. Angels that were there to comfort me.
The Best Gift Exchange Ever
I still keep a handwritten copy of that affirmation on my desk. I have Peace that is beyond understanding about Steve being free from pain and ready to welcome me when it’s my time to transition to my true Home. Life here on earth, however, continues to have other challenges…things that trigger worry or fear in me. I still count on the gift exchange God promised. When I am in a state of Trust, I experience Peace. When I choose worry or fear, I experience the opposite of Peace. I get to choose in which state I live moment by moment, day by day.
Today, I was again encouraged to choose Trust by David Bayer’s podcast episode. If you need a powerful message to lift you up from whatever anxieties plague you, I encourage you to listen to this message.
You have my love and support,
If you would like to talk about how I can help you create an affirmation for yourself, let’s talk. Contact me here.