When a relationship we care about is struggling, there are many tactics that are often tried, but rarely work. Arguing seems to be the most prevalent. Defending oneself comes with arguing. Criticism, sarcasm, bossiness, accusations, nagging, withdrawing, judgments, flirting, cultivating a relationship outside of your marriage, a laundry list of complaints and “you shoulds” all are on the list of tactics that make things worse.
Why Do These Tactics Make Things Worse?
Everything on the list of failed tactics is a behavior that feels attacking to your partner, creating the impulse to move away…distance himself or herself from you. This is the opposite of healing, becoming closer and restoring mutual trust. The above are common reactions to fear and pain. I want the discomfort of pain or fear to stop. Immediately. So my first instinct is to either fight or run away (withdraw.) Those tactics come from ancient instincts…the flight, flight or freeze that happen when facing a deadly foe. Adrenaline pours into the bloodstream so you can kill the tiger, get away or hide.
The Problem…The Solution
Adrenaline that triggers the reactions listed above, typically makes things worse when upset is triggered by your partner. The solutions that are more apt to help are counter-intuitive. These are calm, respectful behaviors that require the thinking, rational part of our brain. That part tends to disappear when adrenaline is triggered. That primitive part is only trying to protect us from harm. The problem is that the partner that just hurt your feelings is, usually, not about to kill you. He may only be guilty of leaving dirty dishes in the living room or dropping his dirty clothes on the floor. She may only have returned home with a scratch on a fender or burned dinner.
Even though the reaction may be powerful, we are capable of calming the adrenaline reaction. It only takes a moment to breathe, or a brief timeout for the primitive reaction to calm down. At most, it may take an hour to vent your upset feelings in a journal, or by pulling some weeds or hitting a punching bag. The impulse to attack in ways that will only escalate the pain will calm down.
Then What?
Then you use the thinking, adult, mature skills you learned from Millionaire Marriage Club or a wise therapist or book. Those skills are always respectful making them easier to hear by your partner. They solve the puzzle of creating a happy, loving, lasting marriage. Here they are:
- Do a Perception Check: “It seems like you may be (hurt, upset, stressed, angry,) Is that true?” Then move on to one of the next skills.
- Sincerely apologize. A flippant apology will only make things worse. Be genuine or don’t do it!
- Listen to Understand: quietly repeat back to your partner what he/she has said that triggered your adrenaline response.
- Share your feelings: “When you did (this,) I felt demeaned? disrespected? hurt? angry?” (Notice these are feelings, not opinions which are nearly always attacking and judgmental, making them harder to receive.)
- Express your desire for a healing outcome. You’d be surprised at how powerful it is, in the middle of an argument, to say or hear “I want to resolve this so we can go back to being loving toward each other. I hate fighting with you.” (Whenever Jim and I needed to discuss a touchy issue, he would begin by saying, “I’m sure we can work this out.” It was a reminder that the value of our relationship made whatever effort was needed would be worth it!)
- If you are simply too upset to be in your mature brain, say “I need a time out before I say something I’d regret. Give me 30 minutes then I’ll be back.”
- If your partner calls time out on him or herself, let them go. Do not say another word! He or she has just told you they’re on the brink of losing control of their mouth. If you push, you won’t like what happens next!
Speaking with Respect is the Key Element for Lasting Love
Speaking with respect and listening with respect are skills that can be learned, practiced, and used for a lifetime of a loving relationship. It isn’t easy to change such ingrained habits such as our communication methods. It is possible, however, for anyone who wants the results enough to commit to the process. Just today a couple who’ve been together for more than twenty years walked into their appointment beaming. They’d enjoyed the most peaceful, loving two weeks of their recent years together. She said it was like when they first fell in love with all the energy and attraction they felt then. She said, with him beaming, “I like it when you walk in the door! I like being with you!”
When they began their coaching package they were so unhappy. Learning the skills seemed like an impossible task. They weren’t sure they’d ever get the hang of having a Skilled Discussion, giving love in their partner’s love language, or coaching each other to remain respectful, Listening for the purpose of Understanding! Now they are doing all of those things successfully. Not perfectly, but well enough that they are reaping the rewards that come with consistent respect.
You can do this, also!
