Confirming a Message
Pay attention the next time a server takes your order at a restaurant…even a fast food drive-through. The good ones always repeat your order back to make sure they heard it correctly. This avoids the embarrassment of delivering an order that wasn’t what you wanted. Repeating back the order also makes sure their boss is happy with their performance. Repeating back is transforming.
We could avoid a lot of common mistakes in communication by using the same skill. For instance, repeating back the time you’re told you need to pick up your child after school. Or, repeating back the time a casserole needs to go into the oven and the temperature.
Many mistakes, some of them disasterous, could be avoided by repeating back critical information.
Reducing Upset or Anger by Repeating Back
When someone is upset or angry, many of us immediately step into “fix it” mode. What you suggest may be a great solution, but it doesn’t reduce the feelings of upset or anger.
Nothing calms the feelings of upset or anger more effectively than being heard and understood. One client’s daughter occasionally gets very upset with herself to the point of nearly obsessing on negative, judgmental thoughts. He used to try to reason her out of her upset. Sometimes, it would take two hours or more for her to regain emotional balance. After learning the Listening to Understand skill, (also known as Active Listening or Reflective Listening) the next time she was upset, he simply, quietly repeated back to her what she was saying. She was calm after only 15 minutes!
Another client’s three-year-old daughter was screaming and crying. Mom repeated back to her, “You’re really mad!” Daughter shouted, “Yes!” Mom, “You’re mad because I won’t let you have candy right now.” At a reduced volume, “Yes!” Mom, “You’re hurt because you aren’t getting your own way right now.” Quieter, “Yes!” Mom, “I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want, but I love you!” Hugging Mom’s neck, “I love you, too!
Every human being, more than anything, longs to be heard and understood. We need it more than we need to get our own way!
Helping Someone Become Clear
When someone we love is confused about a decision, or unsure what their next step should be, again, we often go into Twenty Suggestions mode. “Maybe you could…. Or, Maybe this would work for you…Or, Why don’t you… Or, I think you should…” Underneath your good intentions, the message conveyed is, “You need my help to make a decision. You aren’t smart enough to arrive at the best solution for yourself.” It’s demeaning, disrespectful, and most of all, may be encouraging a path that isn’t in alignment with that person’s inner guidance system.
The very best therapists in the world rarely do more than reflect to their client what is being said or felt. It isn’t passively hearing. It is actively listening not just to the words being said, but to the feelings being felt. As one’s thoughts and feelings are reflected back with empathy, the inner guidance system begins to bring focus to the situation. Options present themselves. Sometimes, decisions are suddenly clear. By being fully present, you are supporting and trusting the other to arrive at the best solution or next step for themselves. It’s empowering and loving.
Ending a Fight By Repeating Back
Fights are caused when reactive emotions are in control. Fights escalate because two persons are reacting to each other. It’s a never-ending loop of hurtful feelings and words. Fights continue to exhaustion because neither party is using the thinking part of their brain, only the survival part. Either person can stop the fight, and gradually calm the other, by simply repeating what he/she has just said in a calm, respectful tone of voice. (NO SARCASM!) And repeat every statement in a calm, respectful tone of voice. It’s a law. It’s dependable. It always works.
Just because the other person has become calm, don’t think you can walk away! Once they are calm, the issue will need resolution which comes as a result of both persons being heard and understood. If you can’t discuss it at this moment, make a date. Without resolution, the same issue will come back with even greater intensity in the future.
You have my love and support,
