The Missing Piece
Were you told that Love and Commitment were all you needed to have a happy, lasting marriage? They lied! The divorce courts are full of former couples who loved each other and, at one time, thought they were committed.
Can you imagine trying to sit on a three-legged stool with one broken leg?
This represents a relationship that began with love and eventual commitment, but has begun to flounder. The third essential element that is missing is Respect. Quote, “Love will get a relationship off of the ground. Commitment is essential. But it’s how couples manage conflict that determines the ultimate destination of the marriage.” Notarius and Markman in We Can Work It Out.
Why not learn and use skills that support a healthy, loving marriage?
What Doesn’t Work
Unless your parents modeled not only love and commitment, but also respect for each other, you are probably experiencing some of these things:
- Feeling unloved and unappreciated
- Arguing over different points
- Saying things designed to hurt your partner
- Feeling blocked out of parts of your partner’s life
- Making important decisions independently
- Being divided in your parenting decisions
- Feeling lonely, like roommates
- Missing the happy feelings of being in love
Maybe you love each other and are committed, but without respect, the loving feelings and energy to be committed for life leave your marriage feeling unsteady…floundering…not able to support your life together.
Respect during conflict is the element that caused divorce to be threatened. It was devastating to realize how desperately unhappy we had become.
The good thing that came out of that angry exchange was the realization that we needed help. We’d tried to fix our issue for years, only to see it morph from a small annoyance, to daily fights.
Skills That Work
We were finally willing to learn the skills that restored the broken part of our marriage:
- How to speak truth to each other using respectful language.
- How to listen for the purpose of understanding each other.
- How to manage angry feelings so that they aren’t used to attack each other.
- The importance of keeping agreements.
As a result of learning and consistently practicing respectful skills that work, our “in love” feelings came back stronger than ever before. We trusted each other to keep important agreements. The atmosphere in our home was peaceful. We felt secure in our future together.
It took working with a coach for about six months for these new behaviors to deliver the stability we craved. It took another six months to practice these skills so consistently that it was like there was a constant flow of loving energy going back and forth between us.
Two years later, Jim and I began teaching classes to other couples. We didn’t want anyone to suffer the way we had or to struggle without knowing the skills to help them stay in love.
Results of skills that build connection…
We taught for eleven years before Jim was diagnosed with terminal cancer. During those eleven years I (Nancy) completed my Masters Degree in Spiritual Psychology and we wrote “How to Stay Married & Love It! Solving the Puzzle of a SoulMate Marriage.”
Although devastated by Jim’s death, I knew my calling…purpose in life…was to continue teaching what had given us the marriage of our dreams to as many other couples as possible…respectful ways of speaking, listening and managing anger.
Since then, I’ve witnessed hundreds of couples transform their marriage from unhappy, sometimes full of angry conflict, into happy by adding the third leg of the marriage stool. Book an appointment today if you’re ready to add respect to your marriage!
You have my love and support,
