Every relationship has times of being together and times of being apart. This is true of most marriages as well as a parent/child relationship. There are times of wanting to be nurtured by closeness and times of needing to pursue individual interests. Leaving and returning are the parentheses of time spent at work or school or running errands. Leaving and greeting rituals are important bookends to our comings and goings.
HOW We Leave and Return
The manner in which we separate and come back home says a lot about the quality of the relationship. When it’s time to leave for work, do you just yell “Goodbye” and walk out? A child awakes from a nap…how do you greet that child’s returning to conscious awareness? When she was three years old, my friend’s grandmother sarcastically said something like, “Well, here’s the little brat again!” The memory of that very unwelcome greeting still hurts.
It Only Takes a Moment
Leaving and returning are mini-moments that are perfect opportunities to express our love and good will for each other. When it’s time to go our separate ways, mark the moment with a hug and your desire for your loved one to enjoy the time apart. For a child heading for bed, the leaving ritual might be reading a book together, a hug, and “Sweet dreams.” For a partner leaving for work, it might be a kiss combined with “I hope you have a good day!”
When your child returns from school, try a hug with, “How did your day go?” As your partner walks in from work, a warm hug with, “I’m so glad you’re home” conveys the message, “You’re in a place now where you’re loved and safe from the world.”
My friend Yitzi Weiner shared that he’s very conscious of how he presents himself when he returns home from work. His manner, energy, or attitude sets the tone for the evening. He calls every re-entrance into his family a moment of genesis…a new beginning. He knows that attitude preceeds us like an aroma or aura that “infects” the family with either positive or negative vibes.
Leaving and Greeting Rituals
Make the moment you separate or reconnect a positive event that reinforces your caring for each other. If you had a difficult day at work, walk in the door with an attitude of appreciation that you’ve returned to your sanctuary. When you separate for any reason, leave with an expression of love.
Happy, healthy relationships are borne from thousands of loving moments. Like any habit, developing mini-rituals that take advantage of opportunities to express love requires conscious intention. One husband tried to warmly kiss his wife as she left with two children in tow. She was distracted by the children and was a little short with him. Rather than taking it personally, he recognized the children were being a bit difficult. Later, the wife texted him an apology for being snapish with him rather than grateful for his efforts to send her off with love.
Feeling Welcomed Feeds the Soul
One of my clients told his wife, “It would mean so much to me if, when I return home, you stop what you’re doing for a moment and welcome me.” Those moments of feeling genuinely welcome nourishes love. Whether it’s arising in the morning, waking from a nap, coming in the door from school or work, knowing you are welcome conveys a sense of safety, security, freedom from “the world out there.”
Feeling Fortified to Face the Giants
When leaving for work or school or any task away from home, being sent off with a hug, and good wishes fortifies one to face whatever challenges may come. The world out there is competitive, demanding, using up our intelligence, engenuity, and energy.
My son normally rode a bus to and from his high school. One day I needed to pick him up from school but he didn’t know I was coming. (Before cell phone and texting days!) I parked and walked onto the campus to fetch him. The extremes of clothing and jewelery of the kids I saw shocked me. The amount of trash in the common area was disturbing. The atmosphere felt hostile. This was the world I sent my son to every weekday of his young life. When we got into the car, I said, “I have new appreciation for what you face every day. I am so grateful for the character qualities I see in you. I wish your school-world was more beautiful and kind.” This experience made me want to be more conscious of sending him off with love and good wishes every morning.
If Your Home is Not a Sanctuary
What if your relationships do not provide safety and renewal? What if the relationships are contentious or cold? If you’re the parents, then seek help immediately to learn how to resolve your differences and renew the love that brought you together. As an adult, then find a counselor to help you craft a better life for yourself. If you’re a child in such a home, then do your best to find a healthy source of renewal outside of your home.
I’ve interviewed several persons lately about how they rebuilt their lives after trauma. For many, the trauma came from an unsafe or uncaring home. In order to survive their childhoods, they found support in being a great student, or sports, or a hobby. As adults they found a good therapist to help them heal. A few of them left as soon as they were able and worked hard to create a more stable, supportive life for themselves.
Gabby Blanchard found herself married to an emotionally and physically abusive man and the mother of twin baby boys. The pain of staying in that marriage eventually became greater than the pain of not knowing how she could survive alone. She said, “When I realized I could die and this man would raise my babies, I got out.” Fortunately, she had parents who took her and her babies in and supported her through the nightmare of restraining orders and divorce proceedings. Eventually she found an organization that provided free counseling and support groups that helped her rebuild her life.
We all crave safety, security, and a sense of belonging in order to thrive. If you don’t have that now, fight to provide it for yourself and, if possible, your loved ones.
You have my love and support,
