One day I was letting my mind drift…thinking about all the ways Jim and I had failed. We’d failed one another by treating each other so disrespectfully for several years (until we learned better.) Our children were hurt by the conflict we created in their family. We’d made several financial decisions, that in retrospect were very unwise. There were many times when I’d lost my temper or did hurtful things that I wished I could do over. While musing about these things, a distinct voice that can be called the Holy Spirit, God, Higher Power, Universe, (whatever you wish, but “It” was very clear,) said, “I’d prefer that you call those things Guidance, not Failure.” Perhaps I needed to take a new look at failures.
Wow! What? Those painful memories were not failures but guidance? That instant, powerful shift in perspective was shocking! Kind! Liberating! So, does that mean I don’t have to beat myself up for those choices that I wish I’d been wise enough to do differently? It’s a totally new and different way to look at “failures.”
Since that time I’ve learned a lot about the disadvantages of self-judgment. Beating myself up for perceived failures or mistakes only keeps me stuck. I’m prevented from moving forward by the fear that I might make another mistake…do something else that I regret and it prevents me from learning valuable lessons.
A Changed Mind
The past few weeks I’ve been reading David Bayer’s brilliant book about how to replace limiting beliefs with more empowering beliefs. It is literally changing my life! Just one of the enlightening chapters is redefining failures. Here are four of the assets that come from what we traditionally think of as failures:
- Some failures lead to important lessons learned. For instance, the pain from the near failure of our marriage opened the door to learning and practicing more respectful behaviors toward each other. That eventually led to our classes, our first books, and a coaching practice. Thousands of couples have benefited from what Jim and I learned from that “failure.” So was it a failure? Or, a time of needed growth?
- Another benefit of some failures is redirection. You may have graduated from college with a particular major, but you recognize that you don’t want that profession. Or, another interest becomes a passion that leads to your true purpose in life. You may date someone that appeals to you to begin with, but the negative traits that emerge convince you that this relationship won’t work for you. The “failure” of this relationship helps you be more clear about what you truly want in a future relationship.
- The third benefit of “failure” is reflection. Perhaps you become aware of a subconscious belief or pattern of thinking that literally creates an outcome that you don’t want. The consequence of your reflection leads you to adopt a more empowering belief. As a result of your clarity, you become more deliberate and conscious about dwelling on thoughts and beliefs that deliver an outcome you prefer. Will an empowering belief turn this pattern into a benefit?
- The fourth blessing of a “failure” is what David Bayer calls “the set up.” I’m reminded of Steve Jobs’ college experience. He dropped out, but then chose to audit any class that caught his interest. To his parents, who dearly wanted him to graduate from college, this was probably maddening! It looked like wasted time. But in his famous Stanford University Commencement speech, he shares how the pursuit of those random interests became an essential building block of Apple Computers. There was no way he could predict how his interest in calligraphy and fonts, for instance, would set Apple in front of the competition.
The Challenge of Shifting Our Perception
The challenge, of course, is to see a difficult time as a learning experience, or a sorrow as holding the seeds of great growth. The temptation is to slide into the rabbit holes of self-judgment and negative thoughts that suck our energy and kill creativity.
Much has been written about the liberating value of gratitude. Being grateful for a painful season of life, or forgiving ourselves for choices that we now recognize as foolish is the true work of growth.
I’m getting much better at refusing to allow challenging circumstances to drag me into the fog of “failure mode.” I’ve been learning to give myself far more grace than I used to. The results are pretty amazing. I don’t allow the hopeless feelings to last as long. Solutions come to problems that seemed impossible. Benefits come from moving through a difficult time with patience and grace. Taking a new look and perceiving “failures” as episodes life meant for my good enables growth.
EVERYTHING we encounter in life is meant for our good…even the things that, at the time, are hard to accept. Do you believe this? Do you want to discuss this premise? Would you like help with taking a new look at “failures” in your life? You can contact me at Contact Nancy I’d welcome a great conversation over a cup of tea…or coffee!
You have my love and support,
