Course Corrections Based on Feedback
In multiple areas, we constantly choose a course correction based on feedback. The bumps in the street remind us to stay in our lane. One key doesn’t work so we choose another. I bruise my knee on the sharp edge of a table so I’m more cautious walking around that table in the future. Course corrections are proof of learning a lesson about a behavior that doesn’t work…so we choose a different behavior. In communication, a course correction using respectful words can make all the difference.
Applied to Communication
When my marriage was hurting, I never thought to apply this common learning strategy to the results of how I communicated, however. When I tried to get my point across with “sarcastic put-downs,” it invariably created defensiveness and some form of hurtful words back from Jim. Then his hurtful “accusatory you” message triggered a louder volume in response. Soon we were both yelling hurtful words to each other. Our fights led to feelings of hopelessness, deep hurts and more anger.
During the worst months of our marriage, I thought Jim must be stupid because he couldn’t seem to understand the logic of my requests. He was brilliant in many areas, but at that time, we were both stupid when it came to good communication skills! We blamed each other for the negative reactions during our attempts to communicate.
How the Message is Delivered Makes All the Difference
When the words, tone of voice, volume and body language are interpreted as attacking, the reaction will predictably be defensiveness and usually some form of painful counter-attack. That can be silent withdrawal, elevated volume, name-calling, bringing up old wounds, accusations, etc. There’s a long list of communication methods that inflect pain. They are all under the general category of “Disrespectful.”
A Universal Truth
No one likes being treated disrespectfully. Whether the result is felt inwardly or shown outwardly, every human being wants…longs…to be treated with respect. Respect is the fertilizer that promotes loving feelings, or prompts respect in response. Disrespect subtracts loving feelings and diminishes the desire to respond with respect. Once Jim and I committed to ALWAYS treating each other with respect, we never had another fight…or even a harsh word between us.
Stopping a Fight With Respectful Words
Messages that are delivered with respectful packaging will always be easier to hear with understanding. Respectful language is known as “I” messages. Speaking from your own point of view rather than attacking the other with accusatory language. Here are some examples:
Attacking: “What can’t you remember to…” Respectful: “When you forget…, I feel disheartened.”
Disrespectful: “You are so (lazy, stupid, thoughtless.) Respectful: “I would love to see the weeds gone from the beds.”
Demeaning: “Susan can’t even boil an egg successfully.” Respectful: “Susan’s special gift is creating beauty in our home.”
Choosing respectful words can make a huge difference.
Powerful Messages That Stop a Fight in Its Tracks
Here are some phrases that bring an instant end to a fight:
“I’m trying to understand your point of view. Tell me more.”
“You’re right. I was wrong. I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you.”
“I know I hurt you. Please forgive me for being so thoughtless.”
“I feel strongly about this issue. Would you listen to my reasoning for only five minutes and then I’ll listen to yours?”
“I’m about to say something I will regret. I need ten minutes to calm down and then I’ll be back to continue this discussion.”
Respectful words make all the difference.
General Rules…What Works and What Doesn’t
If your goal is to have a healthy, loving relationships, pay attention to the feedback from your methods. It never works to demean another with disrespectful words, attitudes or tones of voice. Lectures only create resentment and resistance. Shaming with harsh words of criticism never inspires better behavior. These methods are attempts to control that may get temporary compliance, but in the long run, damage the quality of the relationship and result in less cooperation. The natural feedback from these methods is great emotional distance in the relationship which translates to not getting your needs met for love, attention and safety. But respectful words can make a huge difference.
Peace and Safety
I believe we all long for relationships where we feel accepted, loved, and safe. The tendency is to blame the other person when we feel hurt and unsafe. I highly recommend that you be willing to examine what you are delivering to the relationship. If you recognize yourself in any of the disrespectful methods of communicating, then try something new. Remember the old saying about computers? “Garbage in. Garbage Out.” The same is true about your relationships.
If you want more specific instructions about how to exchange poor communication habits for methods that have a much higher chance of being heard and understood, go to MillionaireMarriageClub.com The skills taught by this course work in every relationship, although they specifically target marriages.
You have my love and support,
