How We Saved Our Marriage and How You Can Too
#1. Humility
One of the most common mistakes unhappy couples make is waiting too long to seek help. We did the same. It was hard to admit we couldn’t resolve our problem on our own. After all, we were smart, capable adults. We should have been able to figure it out.
But the truth is, if we had known how to fix it, we would have. Instead, we suffered for two to three unnecessary years. Our “hot issue” escalated into near-daily fights, and we began to question our love for each other.
Only when the emotional pain became unbearable did we finally seek competent help.
#2. Find Competent Help
It took about a year to find someone who was truly right for us. I made appointments with three therapists, telling them upfront we were there to interview them. One gave Jim a helpful parenting tip, but none offered a clear path forward for our marriage.
We spoke with pastors we trusted, read books, and even attended a marriage workshop—but nothing helped until we found a coach skilled in working with couples who were deeply angry and hurting. She gave us tools and concepts that changed everything.
#3. Be Willing to Learn and Practice New Skills
Concept #1: The way a message is delivered matters. Attacking language breeds defensiveness and counter-attacks. But the same message, delivered respectfully and without judgment, invites understanding.
Respectful Skill #1: Managing anger without using it as a weapon. This meant venting away from each other. If I felt an urge to verbally lash out at Jim, I paused. I journaled. I pulled weeds or walked around the block. Jim would take a mini tape recorder to the park and vent into it. These private venting techniques reduced the toxicity so we could return to the issue and talk—respectfully.
Respectful Skill #2: Practicing non-judgmental, non-attacking language. I now call it “allowing” language—words that allow for another point of view. I shared my feelings, concerns, and desires without insisting that my perspective was the only “right” one. The words mattered—but so did the tone, attitude, and volume.
Was it Hard?
Was it hard to be humble? To find the right help? To learn new ways of communicating? Absolutely. After finding our coach, it took six months of intense work before the skills became habits. But once we experienced how good it felt to treat each other with respect, we never went back. We never had another fight. Within weeks, we solved our “hot” issue in a way that worked for both of us.
Our transformation was so powerful that, for the next eleven years, we taught other couples what we had learned and spoke at marriage support groups. We wrote our story in a book titled How to Stay Married & Love It: Solving the Puzzle of a SoulMate Marriage. I even completed a Master’s degree in Spiritual Psychology, and wrote online courses to help others save their relationships.
Was it Worth It?
Was it worth humbling ourselves to get help? Worth the year it took to find the right coach? Worth learning respectful communication and anger management?
You bet it was.
Our love was rekindled—stronger than ever. We were confident in our commitment and enjoyed seventeen more years of peaceful, loving marriage before Jim passed away.
Since Jim’s death, I’ve continued teaching and coaching couples. I want every marriage to experience the transformation we did. When love has nearly died, and is brought back to life, it becomes something sacred—something too precious to take for granted or risk with old patterns of disrespect.
Let our story be a reminder: no matter how lost your love may feel, with humility, the right help, and a willingness to learn, it can come back even stronger.
Love that has come back from the dead is the kind you never want to lose again.
You have my love and support,
