It seemed that we’d been fighting for years. In fact, we had been! We kept trying to fix it…made one agreement after another that would then fail. Resentment was growing. Communication methods were deteriorating. The problem remained the same. We had one thing going for us. It was the quality of Tenacity in our marriage. We just refused to let go…we wouldn’t give up.
A Poll
In the three years that I worked for the Happy Marriages Coalition, I learned a lot about research data that has been collected about marriages and families. One poll was of 5,000 marriages. The question was, “How would you rate your satisfaction with your marriage? Very unhappy. Somewhat happy. Or, Very happy.
Five years later, they went back to the original responders to the poll. Those who had been “very unhappy” now gauged their marriage as “very happy.” This was without any outside interventions like therapy or classes. These couples just stuck it out through a tough time, learned whatever may have helped, made some adjustments and now were “very happy.” They had tenacity in their marriage!
My Prayer
This world is kept running by many natural laws that are predictable and undeniable. Physics named them things like centrifugal force and gravity, etc. I thought, “There must be laws that govern relationships the way the earth is kept in orbit by physical laws. It only makes sense, right? So I’d pray, “God, teach me what those relationship laws are and I promise I’ll obey them. I want the order and peace and dependability in our relationship that I see in nature.”
Jim took his Bible and notebook to the park nearly every morning to spend time in prayer, as well.
I don’t remember how many times these thoughts and prayers went through my mind, but probably often during the hardest years of our marriage. We kept fighting but tenacity in our marriage wouldn’t let go…wouldn’t quit.
Relationship Law #1
We began working with Jackie. Her coaching specialty was eating disorders, but she was exactly the right match for what we needed. First, she listened to our respective points of view and validated what we each thought and how we felt. Then, she outlined a different way to manage our anger. Instead of yelling at each other, she suggested that when, (for instance) I was too angry to speak to Jim in a respectful way, call a time out and vent my anger AWAY from Jim rather than AT him! I was to return to the conversation, but not until I was calm enough to speak respectfully. (A time out is not an excuse to walk away and never address the upset.)
I would write whatever nasty thoughts I was having about Jim in my journal. Jim got creative. He bought a micro-cassette recorder (something we all now have in our phones.) He’d tell me, “I’m going to the park to calm down. I’ll be back in an hour.” He’d park his car away from anyone who could hear him and record himself telling me off! He’d rewind the tape, listen to it, and add, “Yeah, and furthermore….!” When he’d calmed down, he’d come back home to address the issue respectfully.
Laws #2 and #3
We also learned how to say whatever we needed to say to each other using language that was non-attacking. So many of our culture’s common ways of speaking, especially when upset, are blaming and attacking. Jim’s favorite was what we call “the accusatory you.” Example, “Why did you…?” and “You should have…” My favorite was sarcastic put-downs. Either of these methods would instantly start or escalate a fight.
Instead, we learned to say, “I’d like this done differently,” or, “When you do X I feel Y.” When language was non-attacking it was much easier to hear and understand what the other was saying.
And, wonder of wonders, we learned to hear each other! I mean, hear with the intention of understanding each other!
Whittling Away at the Issue
Over a period of about six weeks, we had a date every day or two to talk about our main issue while carefully using these speaking and listening skills. Our perspectives started out miles apart. But as we kept sharing our thoughts, feelings, concerns and desires, we gradually began to have empathy for each other’s point of view.
Strategies for Success
We learned and practiced other strategies that brought peace to our home. Most of those strategies are taught in the book we wrote, How to Stay Married & Love It! Solving the Puzzle of a SoulMate Marriage and in the online courses I created called Millionaire Marriage Club and the Stepping TwoGether Edition available here.
There Really Are Relationship Laws
As we learned and adjusted our behavior and attitudes to accommodate ourselves to those laws, the fighting immediately stopped. We had seventeen more years together without even one harsh word between us. The tenacity in our marriage paid off with the answers we needed. And, we were so tired of hurting each other and so determined to reclaim our love, that once we understood the Relationship Laws, we adapted our behavior to those laws.
Whoever said Love and Commitment are all that’s needed to have a great marriage, LIED! Love and Commitment are like two legs of a three-legged stool. Without Respect, the stool won’t support the marriage.
If you’d like to learn more about how to improve the quality of your marriage, schedule a complimentary call with me. I’d love to hear how I can help! Book a call.
You have my love and support,
