“What family?” you ask. We all have many voices inside, each with a good reason for being heard. How about the voice inside that either reacts loudly or withdraws in silence when your partner does something that offends you? That voice is attempting to defend you against a “dangerous predator.”
Do you have a voice that sometimes spends more than you make? That voice prompts you to do something that, in that moment, maybe comforting. You’re buying something that gives you a lift.
Perhaps you have a voice inside that prevents you from getting up in the morning or makes you procrastinate so you’re late for work or an appointment. That voice wants you to make the very most out of every minute of sleep or prep time.
I have a voice inside that I call “the nurse.” She wants me to feel better and believes that prompting me to eat something sweet will comfort or calm me.
The Results of Obeying The Voice Inside
The immediate results feel good. The good feelings are why we choose those behaviors. The long-term results, however, sometimes cause feelings of shame, regret, or even disgust. We’re embarrassed because we yelled at our spouse or children. We regret that we punished someone we love with extended silence. Judging ourselves as “bad,” a “failure,” might be our go-to reaction to spending more than we should. We may be constantly apologizing for arriving late. I, for one, want to reach a healthier weight.
The Origin of These Voices Inside
First, shame and self-judgment do not effect positive changes in behavior. Making that voice “bad” and trying to overcome it, (kill it) with massive self-control doesn’t seem to work very well, either.
What works better is to understand that this voice is trying to help you. It wants to give you something good…like protection, happiness, or comfort. Most of the time, the birth of this voice can be traced back to a younger, more helpless time in your life when you couldn’t know about or choose more mature, effective behaviors. For me, the voice that wants me to comfort myself with food became active during an extremely painful period in my life when I felt no support. It seemed like food was the only source of comfort I had.
Even though today I have other options for self-comfort, the habit of choosing food is embedded in my pattern of behavior. All efforts to bully it into submission have eventually failed.
A More Effective Option
Brene’ Brown says, “Shame cannot coexist with Empathy.” Expressing empathy for the good intentions of these voices quiets them. Only then can we elicit cooperation with our goals of being respectful to those we love, handling money responsibly, managing time well, and adopting eating habits that help the body drop excess weight. Richard Schwartz, Phd, in his book, No Bad Parts, explains clearly that there may be bad behaviors you wish would go away, but the voice that prompts those behaviors only wants what is good for you. There are no bad voices, only behaviors that have bad results.
When I became committed to always treat my late husband with respect, this is how I would handle my two-year-old’s impulse to yell or shoot a sarcastic putdown his way. I’d speak to her saying, “I know you mean well. You’re trying to defend me. But if I let you say what you want to, you’ll have to apologize later. Do you want to apologize?” She always answered with an emphatic, “NO!” Then let me handle this by responding respectfully. Then I’d take a deep breath and force my adult, thinking brain to come up with respectful words and attitudes with which to reply. Learn more about this in my book, Your Inner Child: A Path to Healing and Freedom
I ALWAYS liked the positive results of this exchange. I didn’t say anything for which I needed to apologize later, and my husband was able to hear what I said and respond with respect toward me. Upsets were resolved much more quickly. It was only a few weeks of practicing this before he and I were communicating respectfully 24/7. Respect became our new normal!
Learning to Navigate the Voices Inside
It’s a skill like anything else that’s new. But the results you’ll get are far more positive than beating yourself up or trying to change with willpower alone. Try giving your voice a name. Speak to it with respect and kindness. Understand that every voice, even the one that is perpetuating a bad habit, is trying to do something good for you. Good intentions with old, childish methods that need to be replaced. I’d love to hear how this works for you!
You have my love and support,
