Here’s a puzzle…
You’re in a sports stadium that seats 50,000 people. You have a small eye-dropper. You drop 1 drop of water onto the stadium floor at noon. Every minute the number of drops doubles. At what time will the stadium be filled with water?
- A 12:10 pm
- B 12:49 pm
- C 2:00 pm
- D 7:00 pm
- E The following day at noon.
If you chose B, you’d be correct. Only 49 minutes to fill the stadium by doubling the number of drops every minute!
Not only that, but…
At 12:45 p.m. the stadium will still be 93% empty. Only the playing field will be covered with water! Then four minutes later the entire stadium will be filled! This is because of the compounding effect. The same is true for the compounding effect in relationships.
How does the compounding effect apply to your marriage?
Every relationship consists of hundreds of individual actions. A word here. A look there. A tone of voice. A choice.
A marriage can be transformed by consciously choosing words, looks, and tones that are enriching, encouraging, or nurturing. Some examples follow.
- Notice a small behavior or attitude. Say, “I see your effort to ________. I appreciate you.”
- Make it a habit to deliberately give your partner a hug and good wishes when you part and a “Glad to see you” when you reconnect…EVERY DAY.
- Train your brain to express gratitude for what is good in your partner and your marriage, rather than allowing your brain to get stuck in the rut of criticism and blame.
- Stop what you’re doing and listen with full attention when your partner has something to say to you. Summarize what is said back to your partner to verify that you’ve heard and understood the message EVEN IF YOU DISAGREE WITH IT!
- Invite your partner on a fun date…something that you know both of you will enjoy…at least once a month.
- Learn how to do a Perception Check to stop misunderstandings from morphing into big resentments.
How to do a perception check:
You see a look on his face or hear a tone in her voice that prompts you to start making up a story about the meaning. The story goes something like, “He looks angry. He’s mad at me about___. So you attack him saying, “You have no reason to be mad at me! Look at what I’ve done for you!” He’s bewildered because he wasn’t angry. His face was wrinkled up because he has a headache.
A Perception Check instead would be, “My perception of you right now is that you’re angry with me about something. Is that true?” He answers, “No, I just have a headache.” Subject dropped with no fight.
Many clients have told me that if Perception Checking was the only skill they learned, it would prevent most of their fights!
The simple outline is: “My perception is…. Is that true?”
The agreement that makes it work:
If you both agree to always answer truthfully, then the Perception Check always works. If, indeed, in the above example, he was angry, he’d answer, “Yes, I’m angry with you. We need to talk about….” Then the issue is out in the open where it can be discussed and resolved rather than letting it brew, only to cause a blow up later.
The Compounding Effect in Relationships
We have multiple opportunities, daily, to contribute something nurturing to our partner’s life and our relationship. The end result will be, like the illustration of small drops of water, a full, rewarding, and mutually satisfying marriage where you love each other for life!
Remind yourself to be conscious of every look, word, tone of voice directed at your partner. Use the magic of the compounding effect in relationships to restore trust, heal old wounds, and rekindle love.
You can learn more about the compounding effect in relationships and Perception Checking in my blogs HERE or in my marriage courses HERE
You have my love and support,
