I wrote a book that is mainly about setting boundaries for others in order to protect yourself against their selfishness, manipulation, or abuse. (Pungent Boundaries.) It took years for me to believe that it was not selfish to take care of myself. I spent more years learning how to set effective boundaries and enforcing them without drama.
My Favorite Example
My adult son Steve, moved back home when his health was failing and he couldn’t work. His clothes filled the small closet in a small bedroom. A couple of motorcycles, dozens of parts, tools, and odds and ends filled up most of our garage. I asked that he keep the walkway along two walls clear so I could reach my garden tools, washer and dryer, and a workbench and shelves where I kept paint supplies. Frequently, however, I found piles of his stuff blocking my way. I reminded. I nagged. I lectured. But nothing helped.
A Brilliant Solution
Finally, I took a yardstick and a roll of masking tape. I measured off a three-foot-wide walkway making a path to my washer and dryer, and another three-foot-wide path in front of my workbench and shelves. I showed the “sidewalks” to Steve. I quietly said, “Whenever I find anything of yours on my side of the masking tape, I’m going to throw it in the trash. Do you understand?” He answered, “Sure, Mom. OK!”
A few days later, I went to the garage to do our laundry. There was a greasy motorcycle engine sitting on my washing machine. I thought for a minute, picked it up, and placed it in the trash barrel. No drama. No more chiding. No reminding. Just a simple consequence of violating my very clear boundary.
Boundaries without enforced consequences are only threats or lies!
The Results
The next day, Steve asked, “Mom, have you seen my motorcycle engine?” I answered, “Yes, it’s in the trash because it was left on top of the washer.” The light bulb went off. He remembered agreeing to my boundary. Not one item was ever left on my side of the masking tape again!
Another Type of Boundary
Boundaries are not just for the person in our lives who takes advantage or is thoughtless. When Jim and I agreed to always treat each other with respect, my perception was that I had to work hard to learn how to maintain respectful language and behavior to protect Jim’s sensitive feelings. I was willing to do this to do my part to stop our incessant fighting. I wanted peace between us just as much as he did.
Surprise!
But surprise! Within a couple of weeks, I realized I was feeling more SELF-respect. Then treating Jim with respect became something I did for myself…as well as for our marriage.
Soon, treating everyone with respect became a boundary I set for myself. Yes, it tends to get more cooperation from others when they are treated with respect. But, the main reason is that I need to respect myself. So, treating everyone respectfully, whether or not they are being respectful to me, is a self-imposed boundary that benefits me…my sense of integrity, my self-worth.
Other Possible Self-Boundaries
- Refuse to cheat on a test
- Pay for anything I take from a store
- Tell the truth
- Be generous with someone in need
- Honor my word
- Work the hours for which I’m being paid
- I’m sure you can think of many more…
Protecting Your Integrity
Yes, these self-imposed boundaries benefit everyone you live or work with. On his way to the car with bags of groceries, one of my friends discovered he hadn’t been charged for a 35 cent item. He turned around and went back to the store to pay for it. He said, “My self-esteem is worth far more than 35 cents!” His children were with him. What do you think they’ll remember about their dad?
Give some thought to decisions you habitually make that are either supporting your self-respect, or may be diminishing it by microscopic losses.
You have my love and support,
Learn more about treating your partner with respect in my online course, Millionaire Marriage Club