The Missing Piece
Can you imagine a three-legged stool with one broken leg? Would you sit on it? Could you maintain your balance?
This represents a relationship that began with love and eventual commitment, but has begun to flounder. The third essential element that is missing is Respect.
Unless your parents modeled not only love and commitment, but also respect for each other, you are probably experiencing some of these things:
- Feeling unloved and unappreciated
- Arguing over different points
- Saying things designed to hurt your partner
- Feeling blocked out of parts of your partner’s life
- Making important decisions independently
- Being divided in your parenting decisions
- Feeling lonely, like roommates
- Missing the happy feelings of being in love
You may love each other and be committed, but without respect in marriage, the loving feelings and energy to be committed for life leave your marriage unsteady…floundering…not able to support your life together.
Respect in marriage during conflict is the element that caused divorce to be tossd into our fight one day. It was devastating to realize how desperately unhappy we had become.
We admitted we needed help…
The good thing that came out of that angry exchange was the realization that we needed help. We’d tried to fix our issue for years, only to see it morph from a small annoyance, to daily fights.
We were finally willing to learn the skills that restored the broken part of our marriage:
- How to speak truth to each other using respectful language.
- How to listen for the purpose of understanding each other.
- What to do with angry and frustrating feelings so that they weren’t used to attack each other.
- The importance of keeping our agreements.
As a result of learning and consistently practicing respectful skills, our “in love” feelings came back stronger than ever before. We trusted each other to keep agreements. The atmosphere in our home was peaceful. We felt secure in our future together.
Six months of intense work gave us 17 years of peaceful love…
It took working with a coach for about six months for these new behaviors to deliver the stability we craved. It took another six months to practice these skills so consistently that we enjoyed a constant flow of loving energy going back and forth between us.
Two years later, Jim and I began teaching classes to other couples. We didn’t want anyone to suffer the way we had or to struggle without knowing the skills to help them stay in love.
We taught for eleven years before Jim was diagnosed with terminal cancer. During those eleven years I (Nancy) completed my Masters Degree in Spiritual Psychology and we wrote How to Stay Married & Love It! Solving the Puzzle of a SoulMate Marriage.
Although devastated by Jim’s death, I knew my calling…purpose in life…was to continue teaching what had given us the marriage of our dreams to as many other couples as possible.
Hundreds of couples have had the same transformation!
Since then, I’ve witnessed hundreds of couples transform their marriage from unhappy, sometimes full of angry conflict, into happy with their love and commitment restored.
Eventually, my commitment to couples like you led to the publishing of eight books and two online courses. Millionaire Marriage Club teaches you the same skills that restored our love and has transformed so many marriages from floundering to thriving.
The Stepping TwoGether Edition adds the research-proven strategies that help stepfamilies succeed.
You don’t need therapy. It doesn’t have to take a long time. You can give yourself the love and commitment you long for by adding the respectful skills that give any marriage stability, constancy, security and the delight of loving each other for life.
My online course delivers about 30 hours of powerful information that will guide you in repairing the damage done because you simply didn’t know how to be respectful. https://millionairemarriageclub.com/
Or, you can book a complimentary strategy appointment with me by clicking on this link to my calendar: https://calendly.com/nancylandrum/complimentary-first-appointment
You have my love and support,
This inventory measures the level of disrespect in any relationship. I hope both you and your partner will fill out this valuable assessment!
Communication Inventory
Taken from the book, How to Stay Married & Love It! by Nancy Landrum
0=Never 1=Rarely 2=Sometimes 3=Frequently
Assign the most accurate number for your exchanges in the past 14 days.
Add up your score, your spouse’s score and then a total combined score.
I do: Partner does: I do: Partner does:
___ ___ Use “always” and “never” ___ ___ Use accusatory “you”
___ ___ Give unwanted advice ___ ___ The silent treatment
___ ___ Withdraw with hurt feelings ___ ___ Use sarcasm
___ ___ Blame ___ ___ Make excuses
___ ___ Heap on shame/guilt ___ ___ Talk hopeless talk
___ ___ Condemn in vague generalizations ___ ___ Act like “poor me”
___ ___ Slam doors/throw things ___ ___ Run from conflict
___ ___ Sidestep issue (i.e., change subject) ___ ___ Be subservient/ passive
___ ___ Insist on being in control ___ ___ Call derogatory names
___ ___ Refuse to assume responsibility ___ ___ Bring up old business
___ ___ Emotionally disconnect ___ ___ Defensiveness
___ ___ Compare spouse to another ___ ___ Use hurtful humor
___ ___ Jump from issue to issue ___ ___ Embarrass in public
___ ___ Use disrespectful tone of voice ___ ___ Yell, scream, rage
___ ___ Use threats in an attempt control ___ ___ Lie
___ ___ Punish by withholding affection ___ ___ Intimidation/Violence
___ ___ Use disparaging physical gestures ___ ___ Hurtful targeted insults
___ ___ Act condescending/ self-righteous ___ ___ Get others to take sides
___ ___ Threaten or flirt with infidelity ___ ___ Force sex
___ ___ Be unfaithful ___ ___ Practice an addiction
___ ___ = Totals ___ ___ =Totals
Total of my two columns_____ + Total for partner’s columns_____= ______Grand Total
(Possible total of 240. Higher the total=higher the conflict, lower the satisfaction.)
In day-to-day life, we make constant course-corrections based on feedback—one key doesn’t work, so it must be the other one—but we seldom look at the feedback from (the results produced by) our communication methods. Every communication is an attempt to convey thoughts, feelings or needs and can be evaluated by this standard: Does it result in more or less loving, a better or worse relationship? Will I assume full responsibility for my communication methods and change the ones that are disrespectful?
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting a different result!
“Learning to communicate well requires practice, persistence, and patience,
but the pay-off of a great marriage is worth the effort.”
– Jim Landrum, How to Stay Married & Love It! Solving the Puzzle of a SoulMate Marriage.