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Showing Empathy

Listening to Understand is similar to what is known as Reflective Listening, Mirroring, or Active Listening. What is shared is the practice of repeating back what you’ve heard the speaker saying. This reassures the speaker that you are, indeed, listening and guarantees that you accurately understand what is meant. These practices mean you cannot appear to be listening but are really planning your rebuttal, or thinking of a similar story to tell, or mentally adding to your list of to-dos!

What Listening to Understand adds, however, is going to that sacred space occupied by another. You “become” the other by putting yourself in their place to understand what it is like to think and feel like them. This is a much more challenging level of listening. It requires letting go of my cherished point of view for a few minutes, while I see, feel, and experience the event or the issue from the other’s point of view. So why do it?

Four Big Pay-offs for Listening to Understand

Mutual Listening to Understand
  • I give a huge gift to the speaker. Many go through their entire life without experiencing–the gift of being deeply, profoundly heard. It is common when this skill is used to see tears come to the speaker’s eyes. You may hear a response like, “For the first time I know you really get me!” Or, “I’ve never thought you understood how I felt.” The speaker cannot help but feel gratitude and greater love for the one who has given this precious, rare gift of deep listening.
  • The response of being heard with this level of empathy produces the same physical chemistry that a parent has when holding their infant for the first time. Emotionally it is the sense of being deeply bonded to each other. It replaces the negative belief that “I am alone” with the positive belief, “We are in this relationship together and I am glad.”
  • As the speaker’s sharing is met with genuine empathy (Listening to Understand) more than just rote repeating, the speaker feels safe to explore all the feelings, concerns and desires about a particular topic. This experience often brings about greater clarity and understanding and can even heal old wounds.
  • The one Listening to Understand often (not always) receives the gift of seeing an issue from such a different point of view that it alters one’s perception of reality. It may cause hurt feelings to disappear or an agreement to easily be reached without further negotiation. It may soften a hardened position so that Problem Solving is now possible. Understanding the other may expose new choices that couldn’t be considered before.

Summary of Millionaire Marriage Club Skills

All of the skills taught in the Millionaire Marriage Club Courses are based on the practice of Listening to Understand. If you only learned and practiced this one skill, you would eventually be practicing all the other skills taught in MMC. For instance, if I listen with deep empathy to my child, my co-worker, my friend, as well as my partner, I will naturally express myself with respect and caring. I will give the other a chance to express their point of view. I will be open to negotiating problem solutions that work for both of us. This powerful skill will not only make your marriage better, but may transform your life!

An Example

When Jim and I first learned this skill, we were miles apart on a particularly contentious issue. It was as though we were in opposite corners in a boxing ring. Each time we talked about “our issue” with both of us practicing Listening to Understand, we gradually felt more empathy for each other. After several sessions of “Listening to Understand”, we met in the middle of the boxing ring. We dropped our combative stances, and agreed on a solution that worked for us both!

Discover for Yourself

every child needs to be deeply heard by mom and dad.
Listen to Your Child

This week, try Listening to Understand with every important person in your life at least once. It may feel awkward because most of us don’t usually listen that carefully or repeat back what we’ve heard. Notice the other’s response. Appreciation? Closer emotional connection? Did you gain greater understanding for them and their point of view? Understanding…empathy…doesn’t mean you have to agree, but it certainly improves the quality of relationship between you! Like the advice to Mikey in the old commercial, “Try it! You’ll like it!”

You have my love and support,