Review of Secret #1
Last week I shared with you one of the hurdles to creating and enjoying a happy, lasting marriage. It is the limiting belief that you should be able to “fix it” on your own. With that belief, Secret #1 may be really hard to swallow! If you’ve lived with conflict and emotional distance in your marriage for more than a day or two, you have proof that you can NOT fix it on your own. To move past this hurdle, you must admit you need help! I read once that many couples wait for seven years after they know they need help, before reaching out for help! Jim and I endured unnecessary suffering for years because we resisted the humility of reaching out for help.
You can suffer from the painful condition of a marriage that isn’t working for either of you, or you can suffer the humility of admitting you need help. You choose.
Why is it so hard to admin you need help?
Reason #1: Pride. It’s hard to be humble. It’s painful to admit defeat! You’re so capable in other areas. You love each other underneath the frustration and blame! The solution is so simple! Your partner should just change! If he/she would just see things your way, there would be no problem.
Secret #2
Recently, I read a business book titled, Who Not How by Dan Sullivan. When you have a problem in your business, he recommends you not waste time trying to reinvent the solution. Instead, find someone who already knows how to fix it and hire them!
That’s Secret #2. Find a resource that has a proven, tested prescription for solving the problem in your marriage.
When Jim and I had admitted we needed help, I made appointments with three therapists. I explained that we were coming to interview them and didn’t expect to pay for this appointment. I wasn’t willing to entrust our marriage to just anyone. The help we needed must prove they had experience with a highly conflicted couple like us and had a plan for helping us resolve our issues. Even though these therapists had great reviews, none of them seemed to know what to do with us. Pass.
We read books. We attended a marriage workshop. Pastoral counselors we knew and respected were compassionate, but not very helpful. We finally went to a coach who knew exactly what we needed. She became our “who.”
Two Game Changers
She taught us how to manage the strong energy of anger without using it to attack each other. When anger attacks, it’s damaging to both the giver and the receiver. Our anger had been so damaging that we were both questioning whether or not we even loved each other anymore! The anger management skill was to vent the anger away from the partner until the energy had calmed down. I wrote my anger out in my journal. Jim vented his anger into a mini-tape recorder. Other methods are to yell into a pillow, beat on a mattress, buy cheap dishes from GoodWill and deliberately break them with a vengeance! Get the angry energy out of your body, but poured out in a neutral way, away from your partner. (Warning: Don’t vent anger by unloading to a friend or family member. They will only take sides…for you and against your partner. This makes things worse, not better.) With the anger dissipated, go back to discuss the issue with your partner using the skills she then taught us.
This is Key!
There are ways of delivering your message that feel attacking to the receiver and cause the immediate reaction of defensiveness and want to fight back or emotionally withdraw. (That’s what we had been doing!) But you can deliver the same message using non-attacking, non-judgmental words that make it much easier for the listener to hear and understand your feelings, concerns, and desires.
The first time we sat down to talk about our hot issue using non-attacking words, it was not pretty. We had to stop, start over, redo…translate what we usually said into the verbage she recommended. It was hard work! But, we made it through forty minutes without fighting! A miracle!
We were exhausted, so we agreed to set it aside for that day and try again the next day. We stood. I stepped into Jim’s open arms while he said, “That felt so respectful. Let’s do our best to always treat each other with respect.” I agreed. We were both so tired of being in pain. We wanted to love each other again!
Finding the Right Resource
You’ll learn what happened in the weeks that followed in next week’s newsletter. But I can’t move this story on without emphasizing how important it is to find the “right who.” The “right who,” might be a coach like we found (and coincidentally, coaching couples is what I do!) Or the skills you need to learn might be found in a really good book like How to Stay Married & Love It! Solving the Puzzle of a SoulMate Marriage. You might find a podcast or blog post that is packed full of useful, helpful suggestions, like the Relationship Rehab Show. Another resource is an online, self-paced course such as Millionaire Marriage Club that takes you step-by-step through learning respectful communication and conflict management skills, the practice of which gave Jim and me the marriage of our dreams.
When you’ve admitted you need help, you want to find a resource that teaches you respectful behaviors that will give you the outcome you desire. You don’t need someone who only listens to you complain about each other for fifty minutes a week without delivering any concrete help. Poor methods of communication and conflict management brought you to your current condition. You can’t get a better result unless you’re willing to learn better methods of communication and conflict management.
Einstein got it right! “We cannot solve the problems we have at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them!”
Secret #3
Next week, learn what happened in the weeks following these Game Changers! It’s a “feel good” story you won’t want to miss.
You have my love and support,
