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It’s Hard to Believe This!

I understand that this concept is hard to believe. And yet, it’s true. What we believe, even when it’s deeply buried and unconscious, causes us only to notice events that support that belief. We only gather evidence that validates our beliefs. Limiting beliefs create our current relationships.

In the age of Columbus, nearly everyone believed the earth was flat and dragons killed any sailors that ventured too far out. The evidence was that some ships that ventured too far away from shore, never returned. All other possibilities were ignored.

If you believe that people who practice the Muslim religion can’t be trusted, you may participate in Muslim-hating and boycott an amazingly loving and responsible family from moving into your neighborhood.

If you believe that all persons with multiple tattoos are drug-addicted criminals, you will fail to see beyond the body art to the wonderful person inside.

All of our judgments come from limiting beliefs that are not always true. One or two examples does not make a universal truth!

Your Marriage

Most couples, if not all, come to me for coaching to improve the quality of their marriage. Everyone, without exception, wants to be happier in their marriage. They each have a list of things their partner does that creates unhappiness. The belief is, “If my partner would stop doing things that trigger my hurt or anger, then I would be happy.” Occasionally a person takes responsibility for creating unhappiness in the marriage, but doesn’t know how to change.

That belief makes them the victim in the relationship since their partner’s behavior (or their own) dictates whether or not they are happy.

The Belief Train

The beliefs we choose dictate the quality of life.

Whether consciously or unconsciously we choose our beliefs. Most unconscious beliefs were chosen based on our experience and observations before the age of seven. The only way, today, of exposing those early beliefs is to look at the quality of life or relationship you are currently experiencing. EVERY BELIEF PRODUCES A CORRESPONDING QUALITY OF LIFE.

If you believe that your partner does things deliberately to hurt you, how can you possibly trust this person with your deepest needs? You may believe that your bursts of temper are the result of your wife’s behavior that triggers you. If so, will you ever assume responsibility for practicing healthier anger management strategies? If you believe that all men are incapable of fidelity and commitment, you will live in a constant state of suspicion, distrust, and unhappiness.

Some men (and women) are unfaithful. If you believe that his unfaithfulness is because you are inadequate, not pretty or skinny enough, then you’ll interpret his behavior as your failure. Those wounds will produce insecurity making it impossible to decide the next steps from a place of clarity and balance.

Interpretations of Facts

The primary problem is not the facts. The problem is what you interpret the facts to mean. Example #One: (Fact) She snaps at you. (Interpretation/Belief) I can never please her. (Results/Quality of Relationship) I quit helping around the house. When I DO help, I am surly and resentful. Consequently, she is more demanding and unhappy.

ALTERNATIVE BELIEF: She snaps at you. You notice her upset. You ask, “Honey, what’s wrong? How can I help?” She admits to feeling overwhelmed. She apologizes for taking it out on you. You invite, “Come here. Sit with me for a few minutes.” Some cuddling and listening and she feels much better. The event never became an “issue” and didn’t snowball into silence or fighting.

Another Example of Limiting Beliefs

Example #Two: (Fact) He works very long hours. You carry most of the load of after-work child care, household tasks and cooking. (Interpretation/Belief) I and our family are not very important to him. (Quality of Relationship) I feel resentful and am often angry with him by the time he gets home.

ALTERNATIVE BELIEF: He works very long hours. You feel the extra burden of household and children. After dinner one evening you quietly say, (without heat or blame) “I’d like to tell you a concern I have. Can you join me on the sofa to talk about it?” He does…with some trepidation, but is reassured by how calm you are. You share, “I know how committed you are to providing well for our family. I admire that about you and appreciate what your salary gives to us. I’m concerned about your health, first of all. You have so little time to relax or do things you enjoy. How do you feel about your stress level and exhaustion?” The conversation goes on to examine the price he is paying for working long hours and the price you and the children are paying. You begin to discuss options.

Trigger Points of Limiting Beliefs

Every time your anger or hurt is triggered, the cause is an old, unhealed wound around which you chose a limiting belief. When something happens in the present moment that creates a negative reaction, it’s because that old, liming belief has been activated. These beliefs about yourself are stories you chose that continue to deliver pain. They are things like “I’m undeserving of love. I’ll never be good enough. I’ll never get the support or understanding that I crave.”

The limiting beliefs about your partner may be, “He’s not really committed to me. She’ll never be satisfied. Having the happy marriage I want is impossible with this partner. I married the wrong person. We’ll never get along because…. (fill in the blank.)”

Choosing More Empowering Beliefs

Each time something triggers your anger or hurt, you have a golden opportunity to examine the cause. What does this event remind you of in your past? What limiting belief about yourself or others did you unconsciously adopt? As long as that limiting belief is operational, it will continue to produce pain. The liming belief was decided…chosen…it wasn’t automatic. A choice was made. Replacing it with an empowering belief is as simple as making a new decision.

Instead of “I don’t deserve his faithfulness or full commitment,” choose to believe, “I am deserving of his love and commitment.” And then begin looking for evidence to prove your new belief.

For Instance…

One client, based on her experience in her family of origin, believed that she would never feel safe, loved or beautiful. That belief polluted her experience with her husband by causing her to continually question his love for her. Her doubts and fears were annoying to him. The need to constantly reassure was exhausting. With my coaching help, they have worked hard to learn and practice some communication skills that are enabling them to have deeper, more vulnerable conversations that are also respectful…non-attacking.

She is realizing that some of the problems they were experiencing were due to her resistance to believing he truly loves her. She’s begun keeping a Journal of Evidence that supports her newly chosen belief that he deeply loves her, is totally committed to her, and her heart is safe with him. The evidence is piling up in the journal that supports her new belief. The pressure is off of her husband to continually prove himself to her. Loving is flowing more easily between them.

Transformation

This concept/practice can change the reality of what you are experiencing. This is what is meant by “becoming conscious.” You discard the old limiting beliefs you choose about yourself and others, and deliberately, consciously choose a new empowering belief. Then you begin looking for the evidence to show up that proves your new belief is the TRUTH, not the LIE you previously believed. If you want more information about this process, look up David Bayer’s podcast on YouTube or order his book, A Changed Mind.

You have my love and support,