The Experience Diagram
The Experience Diagram represents the parts that make up the whole of who we all are. Events are facts. Thoughts include perceptions, interpretations, beliefs, and opinions. In our American culture, those two sections of communication are where we do most of our communication. Those two levels are adequate for business…even the business parts of a marriage, such as “Please pick up Junior on your way home today,” or, “We’re almost out of milk and eggs.”
But if communication is limited to Events and Thoughts, eventually the relationship will feel stale…even like business partners rather than lifelong lovers. Some couples find they are not more than roommates. This isn’t the state we dream of when we fall in love and choose to spend the rest of our lives together!
In the Experience Diagram, it’s the sharing of Feelings that delivers the emotional closeness…the connection that we crave in an intimate relationship. The Feelings of loving and being loved comes as we vulnerably share our feelings. The belief that we are loved, can also come from behaviors that prove or demonstrate love. And yet the experience is deepened when vulnerable feelings are shared.
Resistance to Vulnerably Naming Feelings
- Fear of Vulnerability: What if I drop my guard and tell my partner that I feel frightened, or hurt by his behavior. Or, I feel happy when she is affectionate with me. What if I share that I desire more time with him and he isn’t willing? Or, I’m concerned about her drinking. All of these confessions are like a boxer dropping gloved hands to his sides, leaving himself vulnerable to a painful punch. What if my partner is unwilling to respond to my needs? What if my partner doesn’t care about loving me in my primary love language? (Gary Smalley’s book, The Five Love Languages.) What then?
- The Male Ego: My late husband Jim grew up in Oklahoma with “good old boys.” Real men didn’t talk about feelings. I quote him, “Our coach told me to have the Feeling Word Families List in front of me every time Nancy and I scheduled a Skilled Discussion. It was humiliating to have to go to the list to identify what I was feeling! But I loved Nancy and was willing to do anything to save our marriage, so I swallowed my pride. I only needed the list for a short time. Soon I was able to share a variety of feelings.”
- The Straight-Jacket Effect: My poor communication methods were very deeply ingrained. For the first few months we were using the respectful methods our coach was teaching us, it felt like I was wearing a verbal straight-jacket. I couldn’t open my mouth without first checking, “What words am I about to use? What is my tone of voice? How will this sound to Jim?” Then in my mind, I’d translate my old speaking habits into the new, more respectful methods we were learning. It was a lot like learning to speak in a foreign language! Learn more about these communication methods in my book, “How to Stay Married….And Love it!”
The Results of Communicating Vulnerably and Respectfully
- Knowing I am being heard and understood.
- Greater peace between us.
- Issues resolved without fighting.
- Greater self-respect when I treat my partner with respect.
- Feelings of love restored, emotional connection deepened.
- Confidence that we have the skills needed to work through any issue for the rest of our lives!
Famous Quote from Jim Landrum
“Learning to communicate well requires practice, persistence, and patience, but the pay-off of a great marriage is worth the effort!”
You have my love and support,
