The no-fault divorce laws that were passed nationwide in the sixties were designed to 1) reduce the backlog of divorce cases clogging the court systems, and, 2) make it possible for a person in an abusive, hopelessly unhappy marriage to divorce without having to prove infidelity or abuse. Those laws accomplished those goals, but also became a tempting way out for couples who were fighting or emotionally disconnected. But divorce doesn’t work! Read on…
Unintended Consequences of a No-fault Divorce
The unintended consequences of most divorces are many:
- The divorcing couple avoids the personal growth necessary to develop communication, conflict management and problem solving skills needed in every partnership.
- Parents minimize the trauma of divorce on children.
- Adults minimize the long-term effects of a failed marriage emotionally, financially, and socially.
- Adults believe that happiness will magically come after divesting themselves of a troublesome partner.
Statistical Proofs
- Poor communication and conflict management skills become recurring problems in any future relationship.
- Children test as less successful than those in two-parent families in school, health, happiness and social adjustments.
- Children of divorced parents find it more difficult to establish and enjoy a healthy, happy marriage.
- Both adults, but particularly women who are left with the full responsibility of children, have lower standards of living than families that remain intact.
- A failed marriage leaves wounds of distrust, insecurity and doubt making the creation of a healthy future relationship much more difficult.
- Adults find the pursuit of happiness to be much harder and elusive than they expected.
- Adults find themselves experiencing the same issues in a new relationship that they thought they’d left behind.
- Failure rates of second and subsequent relationships are higher than first marriages.
The Alternatives
Before the advent of no-fault divorce laws, couples in unhappy marriages either remained unhappy or worked out solutions to their issues. Many marriages that reported “very unhappy” in a national poll, five years later when polled again, reported “very happy.” What had changed? Perhaps a partner had changed a behavior that was disruptive to the marriage. Maybe they both made adjustments that allowed for greater satisfaction.
Going to School for Marriage Skills
Perhaps the couples that achieved greater happiness took lessons from a marriage educator or attended a class to learn more respectful methods of communicating and managing conflicts. This morning one of my coaching couples recalled that one year ago at this time they suffered a monumental fight. The pain of that event prompted them to look for help for their marriage. When asked what skills they are using now that they didn’t have a year ago these are their reports:
- She manages upsets in the moment rather than allowing them to build up until she explodes.
- He uses Perception Checking to avoid misunderstandings and Listening to Understand to make sure he hears the meaning behind his wife’s words.
- They are going on regular couple dates.
- They are working together to parent their two boys.
- The structure of a Skilled Discussion is their “go-to” that enables them to resolve any issue respectfully.
- Both expressed deep gratitude for learning skills that will see them through the remainder of their lives together.
Note: All of these skills are taught in my course, Millionaire Marriage Club
If looking for a therapist, coach, or class, interview… Ask questions like, “If we work with you, what will we learn? How happy is your own marriage? Will we learn how to manage anger without attacking each other? What results can we expect to get?”
Choose Your Future and the Legacy You Leave Your Children
We take classes to learn everything else. Why learn research-proven, effective marriage skills? Not only is this couple reaping the personal rewards of greater happiness for themselves, but day by day, they are modeling a happy, respectful marriage to their boys. They’d be the first to add, “It’s not perfect. We have more to learn. But we’re much more stable and confident than a year ago.”
Certainly, there are abusive marriages that need to be abandoned. That is the purpose of divorce. But in thirty years of coaching couples, I’ve only seen two or three marriages that I believed needed to be dissolved for the well-being of one or both partners. In contrast, hundreds of couples have begun their marriage skills education as a last-ditch effort before filing for divorce. Yet, after a few months of effort to learn and practice better skills, their love was revived.
You have my love and support,
