A few years ago, I published a book titled Pungent Boundaries about my years-long journey disconnecting from codependency and setting healthy boundaries. Another way to describe codependency is being inappropriately helpful, or generous to someone who seems desperate for help. Their desperation tugs at your kind nature so,- you help. A definition that I really like is “an imbalance of responsibility,” meaning one person is assuming too much responsibility while another is assuming too little.
There are definitely times when helping is really helpful, and genuinely needed; providing meals when someone is recovering from illness, helping a friend move, contributing to a vetted charity that is feeding hungry children or helping poor families develop a reliable living.
When Help Leads to Hatred (or at least Resentment)
As I said repeatedly in Pungent Boundaries, an imbalance of responsibility inevitably leads to resentment for the one who is carrying too much of the load. What I neglected to note, however, is that the one receiving the help frequently ends up feeling resentful, also. I’m citing an article by Ralph Azar titled From Appreciation to Resentment in the balance of this newsletter. I find his conclusions to be spot on! Starting with this quote, “Giving to those in need what they could be gaining from their own initiative may well be the kindest way to destroy people.”
A Predictable Downward Spiral
When you give once, you get appreciation. Give again, and you create anticipation. Give a third time, it develops expectation. The fourth gift creates entitlement. By the fifth time, you’ve created dependency. Dependency creates resentment in the giver…who then wants to stop giving. When the giver stops giving, the receiver feels resentment. By then, often, the relationship is enmeshed in anger, guilt, confusion, and exhaustion…sometimes ending the relationship altogether. “Resentment has ruined more homes than drink, and killed more people than war,” says Florence Shinn in the book, The Complete Works of Florence Shinn, p. 95
Why Do We Give?
One reason is simply because there is a need, and you can fill it. Being generous is a character trait you value. When the need continues without sincere effort from the receiver to meet their own need, different motivations have to be examined.
When I bailed my son out of trouble rather than allowing him to suffer the natural consequences of his choice, I robbed him of an important life lesson…choices have either good or painful consequences. That’s one of the most basic ways we learn life’s lessons. So why did I do that? Why was it so difficult to set healthy boundaries?
A Mistaken Idea of Love
I thought that if I loved my son, I wouldn’t let him suffer as long as I could prevent suffering. What I was really doing, however, was preventing myself from feeling the pain of watching my son learn some good lessons by suffering valuable consequences. I was also acting out of fear. What if I didn’t rescue him? Would he still love me? I was unwilling to risk losing his love, so I (unconsciously at the time) prevented him from lessons that would have helped him become appropriately self-responsible. As long as I was the responsible one, he didn’t have to be responsible.
The Upward Spiral
Steve loved Camaros. He’d buy a junker, buy another one to cannibalize for parts, until our back yard looked like a junk yard. At first, I thought he was being resourceful. Then I began to be embarrassed and irritated. I’d ask, “Please get rid of the ones that don’t run anymore. They’re an eyesore.” He’d promise. I’d be patient.
Then I began to nag, remind, rant, and rave about it. He’d promise some more, but nothing changed. Finally, I got smart. I set a clear boundary with a clear consequence that I was prepared to enforce.
Any Real Boundary Needs a Clear Consequence
It does no good to set a boundary without being prepared to enforce a consequence. That is just an empty threat…or a lie. A person who is habitually irresponsible (won’t keep his or her word) sees through threats and lies for what they are…worthless air.
I quietly asked Steve, “When is the earliest you can have the junk Camaro out of our yard?” He answered, “Sunday by 3 p.m.” I replied, “OK. If it’s still here after 3 p.m. I’m calling a tow truck to haul it to a junkyard or scrap it.” He shrugged his shoulders and said, “Got it!”
All nagging stopped. No more reminders. Sunday dawned. Steve said, “I’m sorry I can’t move the car today. My friend and I made plans.” I replied (without even raising my voice), “That wasn’t our deal. At 3 p.m., if it’s still in the backyard, I’m calling the tow truck.”
Steve was shocked. He was used to my empty threats. He knew this was different. He saw my quiet determination. He borrowed a friend’s trailer and hauled the car away before 3 p.m.
The Journey
My struggles with codependency weren’t over. Layer by layer, incident by incident, I became more discerning about when to be generous and when to allow fruitful, healthful suffering. I became less afraid of losing love and more determined to earn respect. I began to care more about loving myself, part of which meant expecting others to treat me with respect.
I learned that resentment is the clue that I’m being overly responsible, overly patient, overly nice. Resentment disappears the moment…the instant…I set a healthy boundary with a clear consequence that I’m prepared to enforce.
God’s Fairness
Because God would never allow me to make a healthy decision for myself that would be genuinely hurtful to another, I’ve learned to set healthy boundaries with confidence. EVERY TIME I set a boundary that is authentically healthy for me, it is AUTOMATICALLY HEALTHY for the other person, as well. Whether or not they like it!
I hope you let that last truth sink in! It’s a spiritual law. It is TRUTH. Even when it pains you to see someone you love suffer, it’s holy love that gives your child or your friend the freedom to learn important lessons by the consequences they suffer.
Read Pungent Boundaries if you need more background and more reassurance that good boundary setting is a characteristic of every emotionally healthy person I know. Healthy boundary setting frees you from resentment. Take it from one who knows!
You have my love and support,
