Review
What could possibly be added to Secret #1, admitting you need help, Secret #2, finding an effective resource, and Secret #3, practicing respectful communication and conflict management skills? Get ready! It’s a biggy!
Secret #4
Since the no-fault divorce law was passed in 1969, a new marriage culture has developed. Many couples now marry with the assumption, “If this doesn’t work, we’ll just get a divorce…start over.” One or both partners of the couples I coach have parents and even grandparents who divorced. Divorce is no longer shameful. Divorce has become accepted as a normal, reasonable option when a marriage is unhappy.
YES! Divorce is necessary for some marriages that are abusive, or in the case of abandonment. That’s why the law is there!
But, I’ve had couples come for coaching who wanted to see if there was any hope of healing and reviving their love. Coming to me was a “last ditch effort” to save their marriage.
Proof
Shawn and Carissa had already divorced. Both used the following year to get personal therapy. They stayed in touch because the love was still there. They just hadn’t been able to live together with respect. They enrolled in twelve sessions of coaching. Like Jim and me, they learned how to say whatever needed saying, but use words that were non-attacking…respectful. They learned how to vent their flare-ups of anger AWAY from each other rather than AT each other. They mastered having Skilled Discussions (respectful speaking and listening) about any issue that arose. After about ten weeks of practicing these new skills, they remarried! Now they were confident that they could enjoy the rest of their lives together with love, commitment AND RESPECT! The third leg of their marriage stool was now in place!
Recently, another couple had filled out the divorce application documents and even decided how they would divide up their assets. They agreed on how they would co-parent their child. Then they came to me and enrolled in a 24-session package of coaching. They agreed that divorce was off the table…not an option…for the approximately 10-12 months we would work together.
After only one week of working together on their assignment of creating a Marriage Blueprint, their hope in their future was revived. A Marriage Blueprint is like a vision board, or affirmations describing what you want to be true about your marriage one year from today. They spent three one-hour sessions sharing with each other their dreams for their future together. They said, “We’ve never shared at this depth! We’ve never talked like this!” They only needed better skills, not a divorce.
Secret #4: Closing the Back Door
Although divorce was tossed out in the middle of a big fight one time, at our core, Jim and I were committed to each other for life. That momentary lapse came with a quick apology and reassurance that it was not meant. That threat was never repeated.
We did not have to consciously remake our commitment to each other during the grueling process of finding effective help, then learning and practicing new skills. But because of their family histories, many of the couples I coach must DECIDE to close the back door. This commitment goes against the prevailing divorce culture. For many, it’s a scary commitment to make.
This famous quote by William Hutchison Murray applies to transforming a marriage as well as attaining any other monumental goal:
“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy…the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves, too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way.”
Keeping Your Promise
These words were spoken by an eight-year-old boy to his father on the eve of his dad’s second marriage: “Dad, this time when you make a promise, I want you to keep it.”
When you keep the promise to each other…when you pour ALL of your energy into learning, practicing the skills that will give you a happy, loving marriage…you are not only transforming your own love story, but are laying the foundation so generations to come can believe in a loving marriage for life. You are creating a legacy of relationship health. You are modeling skills that your children will want to emulate.
Your Legacy
Every marriage leaves a legacy. You decide whether your legacy will be anger, emotional distance, separation, abandonment, or commitment combined with the respectful skills that make your promise a delight to keep.
In the How to Stay Married & Love It! book, I encourage readers to put their promise in writing:
“I choose you. I choose you for life. I will make every effort to hear you, learn your needs and be the partner you deserve. I do this because I know that in the working out of our lives together, I will become the best I am capable of being. I will reap the greatest personal rewards as our relationship flourishes.
Signed:__________________________________________________Signed:_____________________________________________________
Date:____________________________________________________Date:______________________________________________________
What legacy are you leaving your children…grand-children? You can choose today to transform your marriage from wherever it is today to the healthy, loving, lasting marriage that will deliver the greatest joy for you and your heirs.
Secret #1: Admit you need help.
Secret #2: Find an effective resource.
Secret #3: Learn and Practice respectful communication and conflict management skills.
Secret #4: Close the Back Door!
You have my love and support,
