Review
Your marriage is in trouble. You’re either fighting all the time or existing like roommates. The love and passion have disappeared, but you don’t know how to get them back. Is this all there is? Is wanting more a wishful dream that isn’t realistic? Should you just learn to be content with far less than you want out of your marriage?
Secret #1 is having the humility to admit you need help. If you knew how to fix it, you would have already fixed it!
But then, where do you go? Who knows the right formula for healing a damaged marriage and helping you create the marriage you want?
Secret #2 shared some resources that were written, created, and designed by someone who’s been where you’re at and found the secret sauce…the skills to learn and practice that transformed her marriage from daily fights to a daily love-fest…me!
So What’s Secret #3?
Multiple researchers have discovered the same truth. Love and commitment aren’t enough. It’s how couples manage conflict that determines the ultimate outcome of the marriage. (We Can Work It Out by Richard Notarius and Howard Markman are just two of those researchers.)
Learning the skills of respectful communication and sane anger management is easy. Those skills make perfect sense. Practicing them until they become your new normal is the hard part.
Our brains are amazing! The brain is responsible for storing millions of pieces of data, directing multiple systems in the body, and is capable of learning an inexhaustible number of complex things. One of the primary ways it does all of this is by creating habits. Habits are very useful. They make it possible to remember how to drive a car, for example. We don’t have to relearn how every time we want to drive somewhere. The memory or habit of driving saves a ton of time and energy. As do thousands of other daily habits!
Practice! Practice! Practice!
Secret #3 is to practice these new skills, over and over again, day after day until they become your new normal. At first, the brain will resist. The brain says, “This isn’t how we communicate or handle anger.” The brain wants to go back to what is “normal,” meaning only what is “habitual.”
Remember when Jim and I agreed to always treat each other with respect? For the next several weeks, I felt like I was in a verbal straightjacket. I couldn’t open my mouth to say anything about our “hot topic” without first rehearsing in my brain, “How will this sound to Jim? Are the words attacking? Will my tone of voice or volume sound angry?” PRACTICING RESPECT sounded like a great idea, but was very hard to do…at first.
The Payoff of Secret #3
But,- the fighting stopped. That was an enormous reward for the hard work of consistently PRACTICING RESPECT! We had many respectful conversations about our “hot issue” over the next several weeks. Gradually, because we were actually listening to each other, we developed more empathy for each other’s points-of-view. We were laying the foundation for a solution to our issue. Then, the day came when we agreed on a plan of action that settled that hot issue forever.
Like a three-legged stool with one broken leg, love and commitment were not enough to support a happy, loving marriage.
Without Respect, love and commitment may fail.
Now that we were adding and reinforcing the third leg–RESPECT, our marriage was regaining its balance. Love feelings were reignited. We were gaining confidence that we could stay in love and resolve any conflict for the rest of our lives together.
The Transformation
We’d been through a very tough season in our marriage. It felt like we’d been dragged through a tight knot-hole where every exchange had to be thought through–evaluated–to make sure it met the standard of RESPECT. But gradually the new habits solidified–became “normal” to our brains. We didn’t have to work so hard because speaking and acting with RESPECT was becoming our new habit. Our brains finally caught on that we were NOT going back to what used to be normal. We were so excited about the peace and revived love we were experiencing that we would never jeopardize this new normal by going back to our old ways. Our marriage was now firmly supported by love, commitment AND respect! It was as though our three-legged stool had been repaired and freshly painted.
What could Secret #4 possibly add to this amazing, transformative process?
Wait until you read next week’s newsletter!
You have my love and support,
