First Barrier
The first major barrier to having the happy, loving marriage you thought you were getting when you fell in love, is the belief that being in love and committing to life together is all you need. It’s a lie! Love and Commitment, contrary to what generations have been taught, isn’t enough!
Many research outcomes show that it’s how couples manage conflict that determines the long-term outcome of the marriage…whether it thrives or is unhappy, or ends up failing altogether.
Second Barrier
The second barrier comes as a result of the first erroneous belief. Therefore, you believe you should be able to work out any problems without outside help. But since this second erroneous belief is based on the first erroneous belief, it, also, is a lie.
Some couples are good at working out problems without outside help. That’s true. But I’ll show you in Secret Number Three that they have a component to their relationship that many couples don’t have. Stay tuned to learn what that is!
But, many couples keep trying and trying to resolve their differences without success. (That was my late husband Jim and me.)
That’s because it took us years to find the First Secret to a Loving, Lasting Marriage!
Secret #1
Accept that you need help! You’ve been trying, probably for years, to resolve the same issue. Yet, you fight about it over and over again. It’s like suffering Groundhog Day like Bill Murray’s movie. Every morning you wake up determined not to fight. Then one of you gets triggered by the same old stuff, and you end up in fight #997 without any hope of resolving it. You can actually lip-sync each other’s comments and duplicate each other’s tone of voice and volume. This fight ends like all the others with one of you just giving up, enduring silence for the next week, until you agree, again, to never fight about this issue again.
Admit it. If you knew how to resolve this issue, you would have done so years ago! There has to be a way to resolve it, but both of you are blind to whatever key would bring you both relief.
Meanwhile, the repeated fights are slowing eroding the love you once had for each other.
Why is it so hard to admit you need help?
Reason #1: Pride. It’s hard to be humble. It’s painful to admit defeat! You’re so capable in other areas. You love each other underneath the frustration and blame! The solution is so simple! Your partner should just change! If he/she would just see things your way, there would be no problem.
Well, that’s part of the problem. If you are stuck in blame, you’re unwilling to look at what you may be contributing to this ongoing issue. Why should you humble yourself and search for help when the issue is your partner’s fault?
The Choice
You can keep suffering, blaming, hurting each other, growing further and further apart…OR you can admit you need help! If your roof was leaking (as mine has the past few winters) you can endure the leaks or finally, (as I just did) sign a contract to have the roof replaced. I wouldn’t dream of trying to fix and electrical or plumbing problem on my own. I don’t have the skills or training. Ask me to guide a couple to a happier marriage and I’m there for you…but I know what I can and can’t do. Roofing, Electrical and Plumbing problems are out of my wheelhouse.
Is it time to choose?
Choose the pain of ongoing misery, or choose the discomfort of admitting you need help.
When Jim and I were making each other miserable, I repeatedly said to God, “The Universe is orderly. There are laws that make sense. There must be relationship laws that, when obeyed, create a happy marriage. I want to learn those laws. If I understand them (like studying physics or understanding the rules of gravity) I will obey them because I want the result of a happy, loving marriage.”
It took a while, but we eventually humbled ourselves and admitted we needed help. That was the first, big step that led to the transformation of our marriage!
Are you ready to make that choice? If so, you’ll love Secret #2 coming next week!
You have my love and support,
