All Jim knew was that clean, starched white shirts were always available in the closet. I was the one who washed, starched and ironed 4-6 dress shirts every week. Did I like this chore? No! But I did it for him and to save the money that, otherwise, would go to the dry cleaners.
Finally, one Monday, after completing this chore, I hung the pristine shirts on the doorjamb rather than hanging them in the closet. Jim was puzzled but put them away. The next week I did the same thing. He asked, “Why are my shirts hanging on the doorjamb rather than in the closet?”
I answered, “I will do this chore for you to save money, but I don’t enjoy it. All I would like is a word of appreciation when you get a week’s supply of clean, starched, ironed shirts provided for you.”
From that day, for the rest of his life, he thanked me for faithfully providing something he needed. His appreciation was all I needed to do the chore with grace, rather than resentment.
A World Wide Famine
None of us gets enough appreciation. Feeling unappreciated is one of the most frequent complaints I hear from the couples I coach. You may be thinking, “We agreed on certain roles when we married. He’d be the provider and I’d care for the children. (Or, we’d both work to support our lifestyle and we’d divide household chores. Or, whatever…) Why should I express appreciation for a role or chore that is simply my partner’s responsibility?”
But, isn’t it a blessing to you and your partnership that he faithfully fulfills his part of the agreement? Is it a relief when she steps in to do something that is normally your job because she knows you’re tired? Does it help sustain your partnership when one gets the car serviced regularly while the other keeps track of your children’s school activities?
Relationship Law #6: The Magic of Appreciation
Appreciation and Criticism both reinforce behaviors. Appreciation delivers a sense of being noticed. A good quality demonstrated is seen. The receiver of appreciation feels valued. Criticism strengthens, a quality or behavior that annoys and may even be diminishing the value of the relationship.
When I learned that Jim’s primary love language was “words of affirmation,” I had to train myself to show my love for Jim with words of appreciation. This habit was one I had to deliberately cultivate. I had asked for his appreciation for providing his dress shirts the way he liked them, but I’d neglected to give him the same gift of appreciation for all the things he contributed to the running of our household and success of our marriage.
When I met him at the front door with these words, “I appreciate how hard you worked for us today,” his face would light up. He felt seen, heard, noticed, valued…loved.
When I said, “Thank you for turning the ballgame off for a few minutes. I really needed your undivided attention to hear my concern,” he knew his act of attentively listening showed his commitment to me and our marriage.
Assignment: Once a Day Appreciation
Watch the magic happen when you choose one specific thing, attitude, thoughtful gesture, attempt to help and express appreciation for it! Broad, general “I appreciate you” isn’t nearly as impactful as a specific, “I know it’s your job, but I want you to know how much I appreciate you for taking out the trash barrels each week!”
Include not only your partner, but your children in this practice! Every person alive deserves to be given frequent words of appreciation!
One friend began this practice with her husband. It took a few months, but he eventually began expressing appreciation for her, as well! These precious words bear the fruit of happiness with your loved ones and your relationships with them!
You have my love and support,
