Obeying Relationship Laws Brings Peace: 4th in a Series

Recognize the Symptoms of a Poor Boundary

Feeling resentful, taken advantage of, or frustrated because your repeated requests are being ignored…these are symptoms of boundary violation. Another word for this dynamic is codependency. I’ve written several newsletters about codependency and poor boundaries, so I’m not going to repeat everything today. Just a summary…

Law #4: Codependency

Codependency is characterized by an imbalance of responsibility. One person is assuming responsibilities that rightfully belong to the other person. Examples:

• Your child gets a speeding ticket, but you pay it rather than expecting your kid to pay it or do road cleanup duty to earn its payment,
• Your child is old enough to do his own laundry, but you continue to do it for him,
• Your brother borrows your tools but never returns them, or returns them in poor condition,
• Someone borrows your car but returns it out of gas,
• You’re happy to do your partner’s laundry, but resent picking up dirty clothes from the floor,
• You are reliably ready for an event, but your partner is consistently late or forgets.

Name the Feelings and the Condition

Name what you are feeling. Call the dynamic what it is: codependency. Describe to yourself what you need to have to feel respected. Imagine a boundary for the other person’s behavior that would be considerate, responsible and respectful.

Now comes the hard part. What consequence would you have to enforce to get the consideration you desire?

Boundaries Without Consequences are a Worthless Threat

It’s easy to threaten, but without consistent follow-through, the other person will dismiss your threat as simply hot air. It’s better to continue your codependent ways than to threaten a boundary without enforcing the consequence. Example:

Next time your brother wants to borrow something, say, “I’m happy for you to use my stuff, but unless it comes back in as good a condition as when I lend it to you, I will no longer allow you to borrow.” Clear boundary. Clear consequence.

Or, “The last several times you borrowed my car, it came back with considerably less gas in the tank. So, I’m sorry, but I will no longer lend it to you. It isn’t my job to buy your gas.”

Or, you’ve shown your child how to do their laundry. You clearly say, “From now on, unless you do your laundry, you will have to wear dirty clothes.” When he/she complains there’s nothing clean to wear, you simply say, “I’m sorry you didn’t take time to do your laundry,” and do not, out of guilt or fear, rescue them by doing their laundry for them.

Enforce Consequences Without Drama

No more reminders. Eliminate arguments. No Nagging. Boundaries with consistently enforced consequences take the drama out of confrontations. Refuse to engage in an argument about the consequences. Do not be guilted into going back on your word. All that does is teach the offender that you didn’t mean it…that it’s OK to continue the pattern of taking advantage of you! By setting reasonable boundaries with reasonable consequences, you are training others to treat you with reasonable respect. In the case of your children, you are teaching them life skills that will help them avoid far more serious consequences with the law, an employer, or an important relationship.

Real World & Business Examples of Consequences

If a utility bill isn’t paid, the utility is no longer provided. When a mortgage is not paid over time, the mortgage provider reclaims ownership of the property. If a client doesn’t pay their bill, they are no longer served, and may be taken to court. If a client shows up late for an appointment, someone else may have taken their place. I was late checking in for a flight recently, so my first class seat was given to someone else!

Reasons Why Boundary Enforcement Is Hard