REVIEW: Law #1 is the Law of Respect. When you speak and act with respect toward your partner, your child, or anyone, you are more apt to be heard and understood, and given the respect you desire. In addition, by treating others with respect, you gain more respect for yourself!
Law #2: The Law of Healing Through Anger
All emotions are meant for our good. Each emotion has something of value to teach us. Anger is one of the most powerful emotions we experience. That power can be used for the most amazing good…like healing the wounds of segregation with integration and inclusion. Another example is using anger to stop the destruction of the rainforest. Or, finding more effective treatments for diseases. Or, providing education for girls in countries where they are usually kept ignorant. We might call these causes “righteous anger.” Anger directed at healing environmental and social issues makes things happen!
When anger is triggered between two people, it is not usually for a “righteous” reason. Often, anger is triggered when something happens that is similar to a hurt, disappointment, or abuse that happened in childhood. As a child, my perception was that I wasn’t important…my feelings or opinions didn’t matter. The only thing that seemed to matter to my parents was that I obey them, look good, and not cause trouble. Because I was relatively powerless as a child, I just endured…and eventually grew up.
Childhood Wounds and Unmet Needs Resurface
Most, if not all, angry reactions are from buried wounds from our childhood. I describe that reaction in Chapter 12 of How to Stay Married & Love It! The chapter is titled “Finding the Treasure in Anger.” I compare an angry reaction to stepping on a land mine. The bomb is buried under the surface…not obvious, but when stepped on by their behavior toward us, the explosion of anger occurs. Because those old wounds have never been explored, or healed, we blame a person close to us for the pain.
One example is when I thought Jim took credit for something I’d worked very hard to achieve. The explosion was epic! Thankfully, he had just left the house when I realized what had happened. I stomped around the house, muttering, and fell face down on our bed. I pounded the bed and yelled at him until I was exhausted. When the energy was spent and I was calmer, I asked myself these questions:
- When have I felt these feelings before?
- What was the circumstance and who was involved?
- How much of this current anger is about that old event, and how much is rightfully about what happened now?
Buried Memories Erupt
Vivid memories came to the surface… I took organ lessons in high school, where there was a four-manual pipe organ with double octave foot pedals. At the back of the auditorium were two 12’x12′ rooms full of the most beautiful brass pipes of all sizes.
My parents valued their church, worship and faith; so, they were happy to have a daughter who could play the organ.
For the recital, my teacher chose me to play the opening number and the closing number. I was the only student with two pieces in the recital. The opening number was a bold, loud rendition of “Faith of Our Fathers” with the horns rattling the windows. It felt powerful for this quiet, shy teenager to be responsible for making such grand noise! The closing number was a very complex piece by Cesar Frank. I’d never made it all the way through without a mistake. That day I did!
After the recital, my teacher complimented me on how well I did. My mother said, “Thank you,” as though it was her accomplishment rather than mine. This had happened several times in my life. Every time it happened I felt invisible, robbed of the praise that should have been mine. I never played the organ for pleasure again.
Going for the Deeper Healing
As I answered those questions, I realized that Jim had stepped on a land mine of buried anger about not being given credit for my accomplishments. I assessed that perhaps 95% of the anger was from those old wounds. Maybe 5% belonged to the current event.
When Jim got home, I was able to calmly, respectfully tell him about what happened and why. He listened with empathy and apologized. By venting that deeply buried anger and acknowledging that most of it had nothing to do with the present, a great deal of that wound was healed. I continued to heal as Jim was lavish with his praise for accomplishments in the future.
Anger can be a destructive force in your life and relationships, or a clue to help you heal deep wounds. Module Six of Millionaire Marriage Club shares practical, simple skills for learning to manage anger.
You have my love and support,
