When Jim and I were in the midst of our worst pain, I cried this prayer to God: “The universe is an orderly place. There are multiple laws that are dependable. If I want to stay safe, for instance, I will not jump off of a 10-story building because the law of gravity will operate without exception. If I want to stay safe while driving, I will not take corners too quickly because the law of centrifugal force will spin me out of control. There must be laws about relationships that we are violating. That must be why we’re in so much pain. Teach me relationship laws. If I understand them, I will obey them because I want the result of peace and love.”
Within a few months, we found a coach who taught us a few of those critical, foundational laws.
Law #1: The Law of Respect
There are ways of delivering communication that feel attacking to the receiver. Those attacking ways, just like jumping off a 10-story building, the inevitable results are defensiveness and counterattack or emotional separation. It’s The Law. If you deliver your communication using non-judgmental, non-attacking words and tone of voice, the receiver will find it much easier to hear and understand. It’s The Law.
The first time we used non-attacking communication words and tone of voice to talk about our “hot issue,” it was not pretty. We had stops and restarts, apologies and rewording because it was like speaking in a foreign language. This new language of was unfamiliar to us. But we made it through 40 minutes of conversation without escalating into another fight. We felt safe. We heard each other. It felt like a miracle!
We were exhausted from the effort, so we agreed to stop for that day and have more conversations later.
We stood. I stepped into Jim’s open arms as he prophetically said, “This felt so respectful. Let’s do our best to always treat each other with respect.” We had experienced the Law of Respect.
Previously, my goal was to convince Jim that he was wrong and I was right. Jim’s goal was to prove that I was wrong and he was right. Now, our goal was to obey the Law of Respect 24/7.
The Consequences of Obedience
As long as we were (unconsciously) disobeying the Law of Respect, we suffered hurt feelings, vicious words we regretted, and an inability to resolve our issue. When we began obeying the Law of Respect, we immediately stopped fighting. Literally, we never had another fight. We slowly began to hear and understand each other’s points of view until we were able, in only a few weeks, to agree on a solution that settled this ‘hot issue,’ forever.
Was it easy to retrain our brains to consistently speak with respect? No! Our brains are designed to obey the Law of Habits, whether or not those habits are good for us. That’s why any ingrained habit is hard to change. It requires dedication to the results we want, and consistent repetition before the brain accepts the message, “This is the way I do it now. This is the new habit to follow.”
So for a few weeks, Jim and I had to consciously think through every word that we spoke, every tone of voice we used, until slowly Respect became our new habit.
The Law is Impartial, Unsympathetic
For example, I run a red light. I’m given an expensive ticket. I take it to court and explain to the judge, “I’m sorry! I didn’t know it was against the law to run a red light, so I shouldn’t have to pay the fine.” The judge will undoubtedly say, “If you read your manual before taking your driving test, it clearly states that it’s illegal to run a red light. Pay the fine!”
It doesn’t matter whether you understand the Law of Respect. It is in operation whether you know about it or not. Perhaps when we experience extreme unhappiness and an inability to resolve an issue, we should pay attention to that clue that we are doing something that creates that unpleasant outcome. But we humans would often just like to be right…to have our own way…do what we want…rather than learn a valuable lesson that would make us much happier. So we suffer the consequence of disobeying the Law of Respect.
The Results of Obeying the Law of Respect
The fighting stopped. We broke the pattern of mutual infliction of pain. Shortly, we found a solution to our issue that had plagued us for years. For the next seventeen years that we had before Jim died, there was a constant flow of loving connection between us…constant…unbroken…sweet…peaceful. Now that we understood the Law of Respect, we were both totally committed to obeying it 24/7, forever.
Now, about you. Would you like a list of communication methods that are common in our culture, that are all disrespectful? Are you interested in learning what it is you’re doing that is creating hurt feelings, fights, emotional distance, and the inability to resolve your issues? Email me at Nancy@NancyLandrum.com with DISRESPECT in the subject line and I’ll send you that list. It’s an eye-opener!
My online course, Millionaire Marriage Club, teaches in simple lessons the way of communicating with respect.
Next week I’ll share about Law #2.
You have my love and support,
