The old adage is true. You become like those with whom you hang out. Our self-image and the our future circumstances are often formed by our experience with family, school and neighborhood. You may have grown up in a poor, crime and gang ridden neighborhood with parents who do not value education. If so, it will be incredibly hard to pursue education, professional success, and a better neighborhood. The stories of those who overcome such hardships are the Hero’s Journey Stories that we find so inspiring.
Many find it hard to out-shine their parents’ success. It’s as though the pattern we downloaded from our parents creates ceilings that are hard to break through. An article in CNBC’s MAKE IT reports, “Just 36.5% of adults say they feel they’re better off financially than their parents, according to CNBC’s International Your Money Financial Security Survey conducted by SurveyMonkey. A greater share — 42.8% — say they’re worse off than their parents, while the remaining 20.7% say they’re faring about the same. “
If you want to move past the professional or financial success of your parents, you may need to deal with feelings of guilt or “the imposter syndrome.” Moving beyond the limitations in childhood requires huge internal belief changes. One limiting belief is, “My success will cause my parents to feel inferior and hurt our relationship.” A new belief must be adopted such as, “My success is a credit to my parents. They will be proud of me. If due to their own limiting beliefs, my success threatens them, I will understand but not let their beliefs limit me.”
Our Relationship Mentors
Our first relationship teachers are the adults who cared for us as children. Unconsciously we download communication and attitude habits modeled for us. Most of the couples who seek help to improve their marriage have parents and even grandparents who are either divorced or chronically unhappy. Now, as adults, how can they expect to create a happy, lasting marriage when the only tools in their marriage toolbox are the ones learned from a dysfuncional family pattern?
Learn From Those Who Are Where You Want to Go
After about seven years of desperate unhappiness she blamed on her husband, Laura Doyle decided to do something radical. She interviewed women who were happily married. She expected them to commiserate with her about her “loser” of a husband and support her inclination to divorce him. Instead, they shared some of their own habits and attitudes that contributed to the happiness and longevity of their marriage. As an experiment, Laura decided to try a few of their recommendations and see what happened. She stopped criticizing her husband. She bagan delivering more freqent appreciations. It was shocking when her husband began to volunteer to do things he’d refused in the past. Nagging and complaining hadn’t worked! Changing herself inspired him to give her more time, attention and affection!
When Laura began hanging out with women who had the kind of happy marriage she wanted, she learned from them. Now her books, podcasts and certified coaches are helping millions of women all over the world elevate their marriages. They go from unhappy to very fulfilled by changing their own behavior.
Change Your Friends, Change Your Life
Addicts, gang members, and chronic complainers realize that one of the keys to improving their life is changing their friends. Your family pattern may be one you don’t want to duplicate. If so, you may need to limit the amount of time you spend with your family, or at least emotionally divorce yourself from the limiting beliefs woven into your family’s culture.
A huge amount of the personal work I’ve done is around the beliefs in my family about women. My mother modeled a very capable housekeeper and cook in support of my father’s work. In a different era, she could have been a very successful executive! My father believed that women were great as wives and mothers, but had no place in his very successful business. I had secret dreams of success as a marriage coach and author. My expectation,however, was that I’d be like my mother…a supportive wife and mother. The death of my first husband was a tragedy. But, it freed me to gain confidence in my ability to handle life’s challenges on my own. I reveled in my competency. Nevertheless, it took the amazing support of my late husband, Jim Landrum, to exercise the courage to build the career of my childhood dreams.
Recently I’ve had the privilege of interviewing dozens of people who are extremely successful professionally and financially. I’m finding that these associations are challenging me to uplevel my beliefs in myself and my work. It’s mind-altering to accept that I belong in this crowd of high achievers!
Sifting Through Religious or Spiritual Beliefs
If your religious teachings have elements of judgment, hate or shame, finding peace may be hard. You may need to sort through those teachings you previously accepted discard a few. Recently I was thrilled to read Wm. Paul Young’s book, Lies We Believe About God. He’s calling attention to limiting beliefs about God that I grew up believing but have been questioning. A wounded part of me healed when I rejected that God has a list of things that I must fulfill in order to be loved. It’s a lie! I am loved now, just as I am, a flawed but growing human being!
Exposing myself to those who’s spiritual path is joyful inspires me. I am trading beliefs that create shame and self-judgment for beliefs that bring peace and joy.
Then the Question Is…
What do I want that I don’t already have? Is the quality of my relationships what I long to experience? Do I have the level of prosperity and security that I desire? If not, who can I hang out with that will challenge me adopt more positive beliefs about who I am and what I deserve? A coach, maybe? It takes determination to break through deeply buried barriers to achieve what is important. And, it’s essential to remember that it only takes one step at a time to change your life.
You have my love and support,
